To Meow, or not to Meow!
by KatZole
Summary: This life. Its not mine. How did I get here? Nevermind. Warrior Cats books are amazing! ThunderClan is my new home! Woo!/s Too bad I'm going to die soon. After all - I'm Brindleface's kit. No, Im neither Ashfur or Ferncloud - they lived for quite a while, remember? Me? I'm one of those other two who died at the very beginning. The ones who didn't even get named. Oh well... SI-OC
1. Prologue

**Hello! This is my first ever story on Fanfiction! I'm a sucker for self insert/oc/reborn stories, so I decided – why not start with the Warrior cat series?**

 **Note: Of course, these series/chars don't belong to me. Oh, and I'm super sorry for any grammar mistakes! This fic also has a higher rating because of swearing. Oh well, lets get started with the prologue.**

 **Prologue**

You know what's weird?

Dying, but waking up right after.

Realizing that your feminine parts are replaced by masculine ones.

Becoming aware that you're not even human anymore.

And it's like I KNOW all this happened without even looking. It's like **BLAM** , one second of nothingness and the next all this frankly disturbing revelation crashes into me, shattering me to the core.

It's no wonder I instantly start freaking the hell out.

Scared and confused, I find myself engulfed in complete darkness. Oh shit, am I blind? Dread starts pooling in my stomach as I try to sort my frantic emotions. Wait, no, I'm not blind, my eyes are just closed. I try opening them, but they are shut so tightly it hurts. What the hell? A strangled shriek for help leaves my mouth, but I'm faced with sudden muteness (or maybe deafness?) too, because no matter how hard I try, the only thing I hear is my own frantic heart beating. I try to lash out, move, escape from this sudden insanity, this _hell_ , but find my (new?) body sluggish and unresponsive. It takes me a while to notice, but it seems that something, no, _someone_ is keeping me warm, preventing me from freezing. But who is it? And why aren't they helping me?

 _'Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, what the fuck is happening, why can't I move...'_

My _new_ body is primitive, fragile and useless, a sheer downgrade from my _old_ one. And yet my brain, my mind remains the same and let's me analyse these facts, even thought I'm not supposed to. My mind and body seem to be disconnected from one another like two separate entities trying to be one and the same, but failing miserably.

 _'This is not right, this is not right…_ _THIS IS SO WRONG'_

Once again, I try to make sense of this newfound information, but I'm not very successful. Different ideas cross my mind and immediately I think of the worst. Okay, so I'm definitely dead. A small problem though. When I try to remember what has happened to me – something, anything, I find my mind blank. I can remember being human (but I'AM human!), but I can't even remember my name. My memories are shrouded by a thick layer of mist that I can't touch no matter what I do.

 _'How... Why...'_

I don't exactly remember how I died. And I feel pretty much alive right now, so did I really died? I mean... Reincarnation is not a thing, right? Right? Maybe I just hit my head really hard. That would explain the apparent amnesia. And the sudden blindness and deafness. Am on life support!

 _'But it seems so real...'_

Ugh, this is total gibberish. This can't be real. My world has turned upside down. I mean, I just went from dead to alive, from woman in to a man, from human to... Whatever I am now...

 _'I went batshit insane, that's what happened...'_

I'm scared shitless.

The only comfort I have right now is the warm presence besides me and I embrace it. It keeps my mind somewhat distracted from my current existential crisis and it makes me feel somewhat safe. I know I need to calm down, or else I'll go insane. I mean, I'm already insane. But I don't want to be INSANE insane.

' _Don't think too hard, I'm sure everything is going to be fine. I'm going to wake up right about now…_ '

Moments pass, and I feel a new sensation. Is that...Taste? Am I tasting something?

 _'Yes, I should focus on this instead...'_ It takes me a few seconds to realize that I'm... Drinking? No, not drinking... And it tastes like... Milk?

...

Wait, wait, wait… Milk? I go frantic as I try to moving the hell away. BODY I SAID MOVE! Ugh no use! Okay, so it's officially confirmed! I'm super dead! Alive! Fuck! Reincarnation! I mean, why else can't I move my body? Why else I'm drinking milk? I'm a baby! Oh god am I disabled? I'm a BLIND and DEAF disabled baby! Milk, milk… Oh shit, I'm probably feeding on some woman's breasts! She's not my mom! _Eww_! Wait no, but I am not a human anymore? I'm some kind of animal? AGHH! WEIRD! Now I'm super glad I'm blind right now. But what if I'm stuck like this? Forever?

' _No, no, no don't even think about it…_ '

I fidget away from the warmth. I don't really want to, it's nice, but I just can't drink someone's milk! It feels super wrong. I struggle, my body doesn't want to move. My body WANTS the warmth. I realize that I'm hungry and that I WANT the milk.

 _'No! I don't! I'm not a baby!'_

And I'm back to my internal struggling. My old mind or my new body? Which is stronger?

 _'I'M NOT AN ANIMAL. THIS IS WRONG!'_

Mind. The answer is mind. My body is weak. Strange. It's NOT who I am! I move away, yet every fiber of my body wants to come crawling back to the warmth. I seek it. I NEED it. No!

Mind over body... Mind over body…

Man this is crazy.

 **2019.06.28 fixed some grammar mistakes**


	2. Realization

**Chapter 1**

Despite my clear insanity (I mean, I sometimes catch myself narrating my life to nonexistent people) and self-sabotage, I survived my first few days in this newfound reality.

Hey, I'm still screaming inside, don't get me wrong. I find the whole situation utterly horrific. I don't want this, I don't want this life. Despite my best efforts to shrink up and die (maybe that's how I'll get my old body back?), _someone_ is keeping me warm and safe. _Someone_ is making sure I drink the offered milk. My primal instincts are agreeing with that _someone_. They yell at me that I NEED a source of food and warmth, just as much as I NEED air to breathe.

I dubbed that _someone_ as a _caretaker_. I refuse to call her mom, because she's not. Not to me. And every time I start panicking (and I mean, oh gosh, I'm actually dead, and a guy, and not a human, this is insane…) and push away from the caretaker's warmth, I am forcibly returned. It's hard to run away (from wherever I am) when you're as light as a potato. And can't walk. Did I mention that I'm also still blind?

There was this one time, where someone who definitely wasn't my caretaker, forcibly opened my mouth and force fed me something gross. Whatever it was – it tasted like crap. It's no wonder I started choking and vomiting. That earned even more gross shit to enter my mouth and it made me feel extremely calm and sleeping. A silver lining, I guess?

The disconnection between my old mind and new body is remains. It's a broken cycle of panic attacks, which I cannot break out of.

It goes something like this: it's dark (because once again, I'm fucking blind), I cannot move my body, while in my mind I experience full existential crisis. I try to make sense of my current situation, but fail. I panic, I fidget, I move away from the warmth to escape this newfound existence in any way I can. I grow tired and cold. And when my body is really tired AND cold, my mind gets scrambled. Slow. I don't think much at that point. I calm and my instincts takes over. I start nursing. I feel safe. Content. It feels right. I grow stronger. My mind doesn't bother me at these moments.

For the most part I sleep. I dream that I'm human again. I can see and hear. I can move. I forget what has happened to me. So when I wake up and find myself in this strange life, constricted and confused, blind and deaf, I panic.

 _'This is wrong, this is so sooo wrong, I must get away_ …' The cycle begins again.

Time passes. It feels like forever and maybe it is, but one day I wake up to loud noises. NOISES! I'm not deaf anymore! _Woo_! This revelation breaks my concentration and I stop nursing. I try looking around to find the location of the sound. Oh right, I can't move, how could I forget that. Instead, I try smelling the air. At least my nose isn't complete garbage and doesn't suck at doing its job.

I focus. I can smell more sources of milk that in some ways are different from my caretaker's. I do not know where I am, but I'm not alone. There's at least 5 different creatures here (where?) with me, maybe more. Some of them smell very similar to one another. For example – my siblings (I have siblings!), they smell very much like me and caretaker. Sometimes I even forget that they exist. I think there's two of them. Hmmm… Wait, weren't there three? I didn't really count, I mean, existential crisis, hello? Yes, yes! Where did the other go?

I try sniffing the air again, but I cannot find one of my sibling anywhere. Huh. Maybe he was just a dream? A trick of my imagination? Ugh, never mind…

In other news, I can hear! Yay! Even thought it feels like I have cotton in my ears, this new milestone moves me greatly. I push my screaming brain and personal feelings aside. I'm growing! If sucking someone's milk means I can hear better, I'm going to stop complaining about it! I don't care if it's totally fucked up! I JUST WANT MY BODILY FUNCTIONS BACK!

Of course, my resolution crumbles the very next day. I learned how to track time. Slowly, but surely I started to feel the difference between the sun's heat and the night's chill on my body. I could also do it by smells - at night, when it's cooler, the smells tended to stay concentrated in the same spots. I'm not really sure, but by counting my irregular sleeping and feeding cycles, I deducted that I'm about eight days old. My hearing is still crap, but it was getting better. Heck, by morning time my hearing ever so slightly improved. And that's when I finally heard it. That's one unmistakable sound. Purring.

And it was coming out of my caretaker!

I'm starting to get answers. I still don't know how I died (if I died, assuming this isn't a super realistic dream) or why/how did I end up here. What I DO KNOW as of now, is that I am some kind of mammal. Only mammals drink milk, right? And if I remember correctly, just a specific type of mammals can purr, right? The felines? I mean that would explain my new body. I still can't check it out, but I'm pretty sure I have whiskers and a tail. Am I a tiger or a puma or something? I don't think that I'm a lion. Lions don't live in dens (or maybe they do?) and I'm pretty sure am not in Africa right now. Africa is supposed to be really hot, right? Unless I'm in some kind of zoo...?

Anyways, the purring is nice. It distracts me from my need to feed (omygoshimsuckingmilk) and my existential panic attacks.

A few days pass, when one evening I open my eyes. Yes, that's right. I OPEN MY EYES. A huge wave of relief washes over me. I'm not blind anymore! Still, my vision is… It's… Crap. My vision is so bad, everything looks spotty and shadowy, I can barely make out different colors. I bet it would be even harder for me if I didn't know what seeing was like. After a few minutes I finally find enough strength to lift my head a little (!stupid weak body!) and look at the caretaker who kept me alive for the past week or so.

...

Yep.

I shift my gaze to my side. Yep. Uh huh. There! Two more mini creatures, just like her… Just like... Me...

That means…

My heart quickens and I feel adrenaline rushing in. My heart is fluttering so hard, I think I'm going to die from a heart attack. It's hard to focus (give me a break, I just gained sight), but I take a quick peek at my hands. No not hands - paws. I have paws. I mean, I kind of knew that I changed, but realization that it actually happened hits me like a truck (huh, maybe that's how I died?).

I'M A CAT!

I'M A KITTEN!

 **AND I'M SUPER CUTE!**

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 **2019.06.28 fixed some grammar mistakes**


	3. This doesnt make sense

**Chapter 2**

I must admit it, it took me waaaay too long to realize what was happening. Kind of. I mean, I already knew I have died and have been reborn as a cat. Sadly, my past life memories still elude me…

 _'…..'m still human, still human, human, human, this is just a dream, I am going to wake up soon…._ '

There's the thing. The more I think about it, this whole reincarnation matter don't make sense to me. You see, I was never really religious. Not that I remember being religious or not, but I'm betting on the latter. So, is my reincarnation the proof of the divine?

Or maybe I'm here because my last life's karma was utter shit? But I was a good person before (I think), so what gives?! _ROB_ , is this you? Send me back you bastard or at least make me human again! I could use my past life experience to do so much good! But now, that's impossible. I'm a god damn cat. Yeah, sure, I'm super cute, but…

This whole situation is giving me a massive headache. As time goes on, I'm still having trouble coping, mentally and emotionally. On the plus side, I am growing stronger and keep regaining my temporarily lost body functions and senses (I don't want to go blind or deaf ever again, no siree). It was all fine and dandy, until my hearing/sight/smell got TOO good and I was freaking out all over again, from the sensory overload. Now I couldn't pretend that I was dreaming. This was real.

 _'I'm not insane. This is actually happening.'_

Sometimes I just want to scream and shout my frustrations away, but I can't. You see, cats can't really scream, at least not as humans do... Whenever I try, only a strange gurgle sound emerges.

And oh man, having fur instead of skin is super distracting. I feel naked. I feel embarrassed. I know, I know, I shouldn't be, the cat me thinks so too. Having a tail is also weird, most of the time it just moves on it's own...

Being a cat is frustrating.

Suddenly, I feel SOMETHING hard hit me, and it wakes me up from my musing. Startled, I leap high in to the air, preparing to punch the attacker in self defence. Oh yeah, I can't punch things, I forgot, silly me. You NEED to have HANDS to form FISTS to PUNCH! I don't have those anymore. Oh man, from all the fingers I miss my thumbs the most. Sure I also have thumbs, but they are vastly inferior to my old ones.

Gravity takes notice, and I land on my feet (yes! At least I can still stand on my back legs after a bit of practice! To be fair, it's hard, but so is walking on all fours…). Ah! I feel a new rant incoming! My caretaker will take care of whoever hit me, she always does, so I settle down, trying to ignore the outside world once again.

Let's leave my former life alone for a bit, and let's talk about my NEW one! _Warrior cats_! Whooo! I feel so stupid. How did I not realize it before? It's already been two months since this whole clusterfuck started! To be fair, I only realized what was happening yesterday, when Cinderpelt and Brackenfur, or I guess Cinderkit and Brakenkit left the nursery to become apprentices. You might ask ' _jeeez how can you be so oblivious?_ ' to which I answer: neither my current life nor Warrior cat series make any sense!

Let me explain some things. I couldn't have known. You know why? Because until yesterday, I didn't understand jack, what was going on. For all I knew, I was just a poor, unfortunate human soul, for some reason reborn in some random cat colony with my mind still intact.

By that point I was not deaf, I was not mute. My cat instincts helped me understand a couple of things, so I thought nothing was out of the ordinary (well, aside from this whole reincarnation into a cat thing). I could understand feline body language, those little details that wouldn't make sense to a human. A little swish of tail here, a gaze longer than usual there, add pricket ears… All those movements carried different meanings. Different mews, purrs, growls tented to grab my attention when I wasn't looking or paying attention. It seemed so natural to me. Feeding time. Play time. Angry. Happy. Lonely. Simple things. I could even understand my own call, something like a cat equivalent of a name! So once again, I thought nothing of it. I was a normal-ish cat, living with normal cats, just trying to wrap my head around my new existence, when the _TRUTH DAY_ , aka yesterday happened.

I kind of blame myself for this. If I had gotten out of the nursery, and saw that big stupid rock or a clan meeting, I'm sure I would have put two and two together sooner…

The day started like every other. I woke up, fed, and started thinking about life as usual, not paying attention to my surroundings. Sometime later, I heard my own call from caretaker. At first I thought it was feeding time already. That was not the case. She stood up and with the flick of her tail told me to come closer. She may have thought, I was lonely and wanted to play (I think it was because I tended to start walking using only my rear legs, like a normal person), when she quickly, but gently swatted one of her front paws at me. I quickly fell down on all fours just to keep balance. Yay! I loved play time, with cats! It was like therapy.

When I prepared to jump and grapple her in true John Cena fashion, she looked away from me, moved near the den (more like shrub) entrance and called me again. My eyes narrowed, I was suspicious. This again. Unlike my siblings, I never went outside. Damn her cat instincts, doesn't she know it's cold outside! It was like October or even November. Kittens can't regulate their body temperature! I was pretty sure I saw it snowing a just a few days ago.

At first I thought she wanted to take me out to teach hunting, or some shit like that? Sure, I was and still am the fluffiest kitten in the thicket, but I still drank milk! This bramble den kept me safe from exposure. And monsters. What if I went, and something bigger ate me? What animal eat cats anyways...? Bears? Wolves?

I didn't want to go outside.

Caretaker saw the shift in my demeanor and took initiative. When I refused to follow her commands (ignore, ignore!), she grabbed me by my scruff, and dragged me outside again my wishes (not an easy feat when I whirled around and tried to escape like an madman). She soon lost the fight and I was dropped near the entrance, between her paws so I couldn't escape (clue nr 1. - normal cats aren't so smart). From there, I took a better look at the outside world. It seemed that the den I currently lived in was in some form of clearing...? My eyes drifted around when I spotted this huge boulder, rock thingy and the outside world in general. Before I could even start making plans for escaping, I heard a loud mew coming from said rock that got my attention.

 _'Huh, there's a lot of cats'_ was my first thought.

 _'Huh, they're meowing and moving kind of strange'_ was my second thought.

 _'Heh, this whole situation reminds me of warrior cats….'_ And then **BAAM** , once again realization struck.

"Cinderpaw! Brackenpaw! Cinderpaw! Brackenpaw!" I heard the cats yelling.

What the hell.

I. Could. Understand. Cats. Speaking.

The thick mist lifted and everything was clear.

Holy shit.

Not going to lie, I froze and my brain went to a complete shutdown. I only broke out of the dream like daze this morning.

So, a few things. I was reincarnated/transported to a warrior cat universe. What does it mean for me? Everything. So many new questions. Why Warriors? Was I even in canon? Now that I think about it, I can remember all of the books super clearly. And by that I mean page by page, even though I couldn't before, even when I was a human. Hey! For some reason I remember reading these books! Is this supposed to be some kind of twisted consolation prize because I can't remember anything else?

Deep breaths, deep breaths…

I slowly raise my head, trying to remain clam. Who am I exactly? If that's Cinderpaw and Brakenpaw, I should be mentioned in the books, right? I look at my caretaker and consult the mental book. Is she Brindleface? Looking by the the description it appears so. By that logic I must be her kit, and that means...

My "book sense" tells me, that the first mention of caretaker's or I guess Brindleface's kits was in the very first book – the very same day when Spottedleaf died. The book mentioned three Brindleface's kits, even if they weren't named until later books. Ashkit and Fernkit, kits with light grey fur and dark flecks. Another tabby that is also missing? Also a dark grey kit. That must be me! I'm a dark grey! Does that mean I was reincarnated in to cannon and not in some weird fanfiction as a self-insert? Wait, does this mean I hijacked some poor kitten's body? Is this going to be Cinderheart/Cinderpelt situation? I try focusing more, searching for more information. What was my cannon name again...? I swear there were hundreds of characters…?

Oh.

I don't have a name. I will never have.

I'm going to die soon, just in time for Cloudkit to replace me.

God dammit.

 **2019.06.28 fixed some grammar mistakes**


	4. Not quite there

**Chapter 3**

This sucks.

For the next two days I sat near the nursery's entrance, just watching the clan cats milling around. A light autumn breeze washed over me as I closed my eyes, feeling the wind on my whiskers. What a strange, yet delightful feeling. It is rather chilly, but I don't care. I'm going to die from greencough anyways. I can feel Brindleface's presence next to me. She is worried. The she-cat doesn't say it out loud, but I can sense it, read it from her body language. And why wouldn't she? After all, I'm her unresponsive, non-verbal, twitchy, weird and for some reason always scared kit. No wonder she wants to keep a close eye on me.

After a while, the queen calls my name to grab my attention. Slowly I open my eyes. I still don't understand/don't know the meaning of my name. Cat language is hard, alright? It's not like English or in that matter, any other human language. I can't explain it. I was already lucky enough to suddenly gain the ability to understand cat(-ish). Magical-anthropomorphic-fictional-cat language that is. Seriously, how did I not understand it before? Mental block, from mental trauma, maybe?

I wouldn't be surprised if I'm named "Slowkit" or "Twitchkit" or something silly and mildly insulting. There are instances where clan cats do that. But if I had a name like that, I'm sure I would have been mentioned in the books. Alas, the main hero of this world, aka Fireheart, hasn't visited the nursery once.

"Mrr-meow?" I turn to Brindleface questioningly. What I wanted or meant to say is "what?" just from pure reflex. Three months is not enough time to fully cast away old habits. I'm still facing some problems. Just because I gained some understanding of the world around me, it didn't mean that the rest of the world suddenly gained the ability to understand ME.

In other words, I couldn't speak cat. And by cat I meant the verbal-warrior cat language.

Frustrating, I know. It's not that I tried. The very same evening (after the "Im going to die in a month" freakout), I tried to communicating with words, as crazy as it sounds. I wanted to tell them, that this is crazy, that I am actually a human in a cat's body. All that came out of my mouth was a strange, dying and gurgling sounds. I met Yellowfang that day, when she shoved a bunch of poppy seeds in to my mouth. Got a nice nap out of it. The next day I tried again, in more calm fashion, without the added gesticulation. I tried to mimic the spoken (mewed) language, more quietly this time of course. Still nothing. I still sounded like a dying animal. If learning to walk on all fours was hard, this was mission impossible. No "warn Cindepaw to stay away from thunderpaths" or "I had a vision that Tigerclaw is evil" timeline for me.

The only sounds I managed to produce, were the basic ones that NORMAL cats produce in a NORMAL world. For the first time in my life, I could communicate and respond to social cues that Brindleface and my littermates were sending me! These were not words. More like grunts, in human language. Positive, negative and questionable mews, basic sounds, but with added body language and different voice tones I could finally communicate!

"O-oh... Let's go inside, okay ###? You're going to catch a cold." I could feel that Brindleface was a little surprised by my quick response. She stood up and using her body language told me to follow. Huh, already? Slowly I stood up on my hind legs to follow…

PAW SLAP!

Oh yeah, Brindleface doesn't like me walking weirdly (weirdly to her that is). At least not near the entrance of the nursery. Is she embarrassed of me? On the other hand, why do I even care, what she thinks of me? She's a cat. Grudgingly I fall on all fours and send her a disapproving glare. She blinks a few times, shakes her head and leads me inside.

To tell you the truth, life as a cat is super boring. Yeah, who would have thought, that life living in the middle of the woods as an animal would be a dull one. No TV, no internet, no books, no anything. Since I was very bored, slowly, an idea started forming in my head. Maybe I shouldn't just accept my supposed destiny? Maybe I can alert it by running away? I could run to the nearest town (I know there's one bordering Thunderclan's territory) and make a living there. And by living, I mean, finding some people, and start drawing or writing on the ground. That would surely catch someone's attention! Assuming, people in this universe are not crazy, I could become famous!

But my inner voice tells me, that it wouldn't work. If I know anything about humanity, it's that I would become an instant science experiment in no time. Crossing dimentions? Check. Reincarnation? Check. Human to animal transformation? Check. How would I explain this whole magical cat book knowledge situation?

After some time, I snap out of my mental rant, finding the whole train of thought frustrating and look around. Brindleface is currently curled up in her (our) nest, feeding Fernkit and watching me with a hawk eye expression. My belly rumbles. I'm hungry. I'm always hungry. This whole milk diet just doesn't work for me anymore. I shudder and Brindleface's eyes narrow just a bit, as I try to pretend to look nonchalant. Ever since I started somewhat answering her social cues, she kept an even closer eye on me. It's creepy to say the least. Strange, strange creatures are these warrior cats.

I fidget a little under her scrutiny when I spot white fur in the corner of my eye. Snowkit. Yes! My favorite cat in this whole clan! Why, you may ask? It's because, he's my rock, the only sane being left in this universe. He is deaf! That means he doesn't talk! He is the only cat in this universe that communicates and behaves like a NORMAL cat!

I rush towards him, ignoring the snickering of Swiftkit. Go to hell, Swiftkit, walking on two legs is perfectly normal, you twat. Seriously, I wish I couldn't understand cat again. This five or something month kitten is making fun of me! And apparently, this is a constant thing. Have some shame Swiftkit. I know, you're mentally ten years old, but seriously, not cool.

"You know, I'm GLAD that you're going to get mauled by dogs…" I murmur, but drop to my fours once again, because I'm TOTALLY NOT SELF CONSCIOUS WHAT THESE CATS THINK OF ME. I mean, they could kill me right? Mother cats eat their kittens if they're deemed weak? Wrong species? Yeah, I was thinking about hamsters. Honestly I don't know. I will keep fighting this insanity, until I die.

Of course, what comes out of my mouth is the strange gurgling sounds. I can feel the burning gaze of Brindleface. Why does she keep looking at me like that? I haven't tried to kill myself for whole two days in a row now! That's like a new record!

Snowkit is near Speckletail, playing with a ball of moss. My rapid movement catches his attention, and he tosses the ball at me. I quickly catch it and clumsily toss it back. Snowkit reacts in an instant and pounces on it. Soon we tumble and start playing together. I don't understand why clan cats thought (will think?) that he couldn't become a warrior. He could see. He could smell. He could talk, even if it was a basic language, but still a language, that was even better than mine (his body language reading skills are insane!). Sure hunting was going to be a little bit of hard for him, but he could still potentially stand guard at the camp entrance or learn basic sign (body) language to communicate with his clanmates like "go hunting", "return to camp", "feed X clanmates".

I mean, seriously. If a blind cat can become a medicine cat, then a deaf one shouldn't have problems becoming a warrior. Snowkit is the only kitty cat I care about here. Before I die, I need to warn him to stay in the nursery up until he is 6 months old. Maybe then he was going to be fat/big enough not to get carried away by a hawk.

Speaking of judgy cats. Speckletail. She looks at me with clear disapproval, even as I try my hardest to ignore her. Who is she to judge me! I think she already knows that her son is deaf, but denies it. At least nobody is paying attention at her son when there's me – the retarded – not right in the head/body kit! I'm kind of famous in the nursery. Bad famous. Let me tell you, these queens sure do like gossip. I kind of forgive them, but only because they are cats. I love, love, love cats! Small, big, I don't care! They're so cute, and fluffy and soft….

Anyways, Snowkit and I are best buds now. We play hide and seek, and chase, and other non - life threatening games. Sometimes he wants to roughhouse or play fight, but at that point I always run away. Even if he doesn't have sharp teeth or claws(yet!), it doesn't mean biting doesn't hurt, because it does. I'm not used to pain. I could never become a warrior. If I could talk and appear normal, I would try to become a medicine cat. It's like a perfect job for me – I wouldn't have to fight, I won't feel peer pressure to get a mate, I could snort catnip and poppy seeds and nobody would notice…

Oh catnip. That stuff is good. Before I die, I'm making sure I am going to be drugged out of my mind. There are already sings that a whitecought epidemic is going to break out soon. I'm not surprised so many cats die from it every year – these bramble dens could use more insulation. Thicket or not – I'm literally sleeping outside.

Soon Speckletail decides that enough is enough and calls Snowkit back to her. Snowkit, being the deaf cute little bugger that he is, doesn't hear her and keeps playing with me. Poor kitten, he just wants to play, who am I to deny him? After a few moments I hear Brindleface calling me. Being the rebellious human in a kitten flesh suit, I ignore her and keep playing with my cat bro. I'm not a child. I do what I want. What can I say, Snowkit is therapeutic.

But all good things must come to an end. Speckletail moves a few inches closer and finally grabs Snowkit's attention. He looks at me, with a longing gaze, but turns around and comes back to his mother. Don't worry Snowkit, I'm going to be your best friend, you don't have a choice. Even though I started playing with him only two days ago, he clearly shows signs that he likes playing with me the most. Maybe, if I ran away, I should take him with me. I'm sure someone would pick up a cute little white kitten like him.

Okay, who am I kidding, he would die from exposure just like Mosskit.

Having Snowkit gone I returned to Brindleface. I heard Swiftkit murmuring something to Brightkit from the other side of the den. Something something "twoleg"? Oh yeah, I guess he's right. I do walk like a human. Brightkit chooses not to answer him. Bless her heart, she is such a pretty and kind cat. Seriously, she's the only cat in the nursery who lets me pet her… (I can still feel Ashkit's and Swiftkit's bites in my paw).

One paw slap later and it was feeding time. Seriously it's all I do these days. I shuddered and firmly closed my eyes, trying to prepare myself mentally. Deep breaths… This part of life was terrible. I dread the day caretaker brings us a mouse or some other dead critter to eat. Oh god, I think I'm going to puke.

*One mentally scaring experience later*

Slowly, I opened my eyes. When I fed, I always imagined that I'm drinking cow's milk. Or a slightly warm milkshake. Just anything to keep my mind away from wandering. A slight shift from Brindleface and I knew all too well what was coming next. I darted away.

Unfortunately for me, this is exactly what my caretaker expected. A massive paw grabbed me, pinned me to the ground, and the queen started grooming me. I hate this. I hate this so much. Cats don't know a thing about personal boundaries. To be fair, it must have been really irritating for her. I never groomed myself, or at least I avoided grooming THOSE parts. Sorry, cat or not, I'm not going to lick my butthole. Someone ELSE grooming my bum was also just as scarring. Why couldn't I be a Riverclan cat? I could bathe myself in the river. I could also eat fish aka human food. Sure, I would need to find a way to cook it, but even eating it raw was a more appealing idea than most others.

The day was coming to an end, but caretaker wasn't done annoying me. She clearly wanted something out of me, ever since I starting grunting, and paid attention to some of her conversations (mostly out of sheer boredom). As the final rays of sunshine left the nursery Brindleface drew my attention (at this point I was playing with my own tail, gosh it's fluffy), and told for me to sit down. I complied with her wishes. What did she want?

"#-##, could you fetch me a moss ball?" she asked me, her body not giving anything away. Kind of frustrating, I usually looked for pointers in her body language. She didn't even said where it was! Bored out of my mind, I looked around when I spotted one in the corner. I nodded a "sure" and quickly brought it to her. Back to playing with my tail…

"C-could you give it to Fernkit?" she asked, her voice shaking a little bit. Seriously, can't you see I'm busy?

"Mew?" I grunted a little confused and annoyed. I mean seriously lady. Your only job is to take care of kits. I shouldn't be doing your work. Wait… Oh I get it. She wants me to play with my siblings. Ever since I started understanding spoken cat language, I stopped playing with them. Why? Because they were making fun of me! Petty or not, I didn't want to play with those cute, insensitive bullies. I don't care that you're 3 months old and will not remember me after I die! Walking on two legs is not weird!

I grabbed the moss ball with my jaws, and seriously I miss my hands soooo much, and quickly completed the task. Fernkit was playing with Snowkit's sister (huh, in the books she just straight up disappears) and quickly ran back to Brindleface, before both kittens could tackle or mock me. Hey, I'm getting quite fast running like th…

PAW SLAP!

Oh yeah. I hissed at Brindleface making my displeasure know. Instead of punishing me, she gaped at me with starry eyes. Wait, is she going to cry? (Cats can't cry right?)

"Do you understand me?" she meowed softly.

What a weird question. I mean sure, I couldn't do it until recently. In normal circumstances I couldn't understand her. My mind freezes for a moment. Am I seriously going to have a conversation with a cat?

"Yeah?" I nodded/grunted out slowly.

What followed was a deep, delighted purr from Brindleface.

 **2019.06.28 fixed some grammar mistakes**


	5. Runaway

**Chapter 4**

The medicine cat den smells strange, but in a nice way. As Brindleface quietly chats with Yellowfang about something (probably me) near the entrance, I spend my time looking around. The last time I was here, I wasn't in the right state of mind, with massive panic attacks and all that. I slowly open my mouth to get a better scent. It takes me a few moments to recognize catnip among other smells. With signs of whitecough in the camp, Yellowfang had already tasked Fireheart to gather some of it from twoleg gardens. Saliva starts dripping from my mouth, I want to nibble on it and wow, no wonder cats get crazy on this stuff.

Since nobody pays attention to me, I go a little bit deeper and find Yellowfang's stash of collected herbs, which are neatly tucked away in the dryer part of the medicine den. I take another good sniff and the scents assault me once again. My superior cat nose helps me recognize over eleven different plants. I certainly couldn't have managed this kind of feat as a human. The whole experience gets me a little bit disorientated though. Ugh, if only my eyes were also this enchanted! Sure I can see better in the dark now, but everything is blurry and toned down considerably. A pang of sadness rushed over me, and once again I feel hopeless. Another panic attack incoming…?

"Sweetie, eat this. It will make you a strong warrior one day…"

The soft voice of Brindleface startles me. I'm once again disturbed by a talking cat. I didn't even notice her sneaking up on me! It takes me a few moments to comprehend what she wants from me. I slowly look down and almost vomit. S-seriously?

"No."

In front of her paws there's a disgusting pile of chewed up herbs. What? She wants me to eat this smushy green shit? No bueno! Yuck, seriously, so disgusting…

Brindleface's eyes get a little bit misty after my refusal. Ugh right, she assumes I'm not right in the head. Yellowfang slowly makes her way towards us, watching me with a puzzled expression. Yeah, I must be some kind of medical enigma to her.

"Eat your herbs kit, it will make you feel better." This time it is Yellowfang who interjects.

"NO!" Feel better? FEEL BETTER?! I don't need this weird herb slush, it's not going to help me! It's literally chewed up grass! Yellowfang, you're cat not a god damn doctor or psychiatrist! Give me some antidepressant pills and then we'll talk. " _So disgusting_!" I try adding, but it comes out as a gurgle of dying sounds. Grrr, still can't talk…

"Hmmm… Does he cough like this a lot?" asks Yellowfang, after the queen unsuccessfully attempts to shove the slush in to my mouth. "It doesn't sound like whitecough to me."

"Sometimes… Oh Starclan, does he have greencough?!" Brindleface's voice makes me jump once again. I quickly side step away from the herb pile, and the she cat starts grooming me furiously. "B-but how? H-he, he doesn't go outside, he doesn't even…"

"Calm down, I do not think its greencough either." The medicine cat lets out an annoyed sigh, probably over the wasted medicine. "You mentioned that he starting speaking recently. Maybe this is one of his attempts at communicating?"

"Yes." Finally! A semi-sensible cat! Brindleface was too caught up with the excitement, that her baby boy could finally understand her, so instead of speaking WITH me, she talked AT me.

"So you DO understand us?" asked Yellowfang, her sharp eyes meeting mine, clearly searching for further signs of hidden intelligence.

"Yes." Even tough, I feel extremely frustrated right now, my voice is pure monotone, devoid of any emotion. For further emphasis I nod. The action is clearly forced, but it seems to send the correct message across.

"Does your throat hurt when you speak?" Yellowfang, I know for the fact that you can sense others pain. You clearly know that my throat doesn't hurt, so why ask?

"No." I answer nonetheless. How can I tell her, that my inner human actively prevents me from speaking more than four words?

"Can you say your name? Can you say my name?"

"No, no." I shake my head.

"So what CAN you say, kit?"

"I don't know?" I finally answer after a few seconds of complete silence. Quickly, I decide to show off the rest of my cat dictionary. The following addition to the conversation did not make any sense, but fuck it, Yellowfang wanted to know how advanced I was. "Yes? No? Maybe…? _Ah fuck it, this is weird_ , _just give me some poppy seeds._ " Of course the last part comes out as a coughing fit.

"Does this mean he can grow out of his condition?" Brindleface stops grooming me for a second, her voice full with hope. " Like I said before, over these past few days he advanced by leaps and bounds! He is clearly getting better!"

"Perhaps, only Starclan knows. He has indeed gotten more attentive and calm. Let's see how far his movement improved since last time." Yellowfang mumbles, like I'm not even here.

What followed was some kind of cat psychotherapy, where Yellowfang evaluated every inch of my body. By now, I already mastered the art of walking and not falling over. According to the ex-Shadowclan cat, all my motor skills were rigid and unpredictable... For example, during the evaluation I tried to be nice for once and smiled at her. Yellowfang and Brindleface took it the wrong way. I felt like an idiot. Instead of appearing friendly, Brindleface chided me for threatening Yellowfang. That was not my intention! Life lesson nr.1 – don't smile at cats.

"Hmm… Yes, I can see an overall improvement. Keep bringing in ### just like before. We need to monitor him and make sure his condition doesn't worsen." The medicine cat instructed Brindleface who kept nodding franticly. Then the gray cat looked at the almost forgotten pile of chewed up medicine." And ###, you still haven't eaten your herbs."

Oh hell naw. I tried to run, but Brindleface was faster than me. After I followed my caretaker out of the den, I had another mental trauma under my belt. This whole experience had officially rustled my jimmies. I couldn't live like this anymore. If I'm going to die in about three weeks, it is going to be on my own terms.

 _Or maybe I don't have to die at all. I running away is always an option._

A plan was forming in my head. I wanted comfort of my own kind. The human kind. I'm not quite sure what language humans speak in this universe (or country), but I'm sure I could communicate with them. Humans are smart. But so am I. I could act smart, but not super smart to make any potential humans suspicious of any higher intelligence. I don't want to become a science experiment.

Lost in thought, I followed Brindleface and looked around for possible escape routes. I never explored the camp, did I? Where was the camp entrance again? Not surprisingly, I couldn't find it, but I also couldn't see any cats milling around. It was cold outside, so the clan cats were out of the camp hunting and patrolling and doing other shit that cats did in this universe or huddling inside their 'warm' dens. Good. Nobody would notice me escaping. Now that I think about it, wasn't there a secret tunnel somewhere? In the dirt place? Or was it near the medicine cat den? Fuck it, I can just force myself through the thicket wall somehow. I should plan accordingly.

"Do you want to go exploring?" asked Brindleface as if reading my mind. Shit. Well, it would be better if she showed me around, less chances of me getting lost later.

"Yes."I quickly nod and I can feel the queen's excitement. If only she knew.

"Let's go get Ashkit and Fernkit, they are probably getting bored." Oh okay, sure, whatever. Kittens are cute, but I would have preferred if Snowkit came with us instead. Not a chance Speckletail would allow that to happen though. She was even more protective of her kits than Brindleface! Soon, my siblings came waltzing out of the nursery. They shot me a pair of curious glances. I returned a blank gaze. As we started walking, they tried playing with me, but after a few "no's" and hisses, they gotten the message.

"He's no fun at all." I heard Ashkit no so quietly complain to Fernkit as we walked across the camp. I mean, it was hard not to hear him, as he was walking right behind me." We already know where the dens are. Brindleface, could we go and explore the forest instead?"

"Don't be mean Ashkit." The queen scolded Ashkit. "And certainly not. The forest is a dangerous place for kits like you, especially in leaf-bare. You can get seriously sick." Wow, Brindleface predicting my fate? "Three more moons and…"

"But I don't want to wait another three moons, I want to become an apprentice NOW." Ashkit stated with an annoyed expression. "Wait, no, I should become a warrior instead! I'm sooo becoming the strongest warrior, just you wait!" I could practically see the internal eye roll from Brindleface. I had to agree. Sure, this kind of declaration could be seen as cute and all, but it Ashkit kept repeating this particular statement. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

"Like Whitestorm?" Fernkit cocked her head curiously. Is this a hint that the white tom is our father? I never paid attention to the cats going in and out of the nursery.

"Even better." The kit answered confidently. Not likely, because I know the future. Fireheart was protected and overpowered by plot power. Tigerclaw was the main antagonist of the series, thus absurdly strong. I'm also pretty sure that Ashkit's future apprentice Lionblaze will have super-strength super powers. No Ashkit, your future lies in becoming an obsessed nice guy. Fernkit will become a baby kitten machine. Brindleface is going to get mauled by a dog and I'm going to die.

"Of course you will Ashkit… Anyways, here's the warriors den, ###." Brindleface kept talking, but I wasn't really listening. No secret holes here either. I hope I don't have to tunnel my way out.

" .. do you agree ### ?" Ashkit's exited mew distracts me from my musings once again. What was he saying again? Something about badgers?

"Yeah." I nod my head, wanting to look supportive. It comes out a little rough, but it is close enough to an "yes". Ashkit casts me a grateful glance and Fernkit scoffs. Nevertheless, his tail shoots up in the air, as he and Fernkit keep chatting away.

The rest of the afternoon is spent exploring the camp. I listened to Brindleface with only one ear. I had a plan now. I would never escape though the entrance because it was always guarded. I also couldn't force myself through the wall of bushes and thickets that surrounded the whole camp. I couldn't dig my way out either. I did notice that the thickets were a little bit smaller and thinner at the dirt place. I needed to be smart about this.

When it got considerably darker, we returned to the nursery. It was more spacious now, with Swiftkit becoming an apprentice and Goldenflower returning to her warrior duties, though, to be fair, the golden she cat will return here soon enough.

At the nursery I played with Snowkit and grudgingly nursed, hopefully for the last time ever. It was a waiting game now. I felt anxious by the passing minute. One by one cats fell asleep. I waited until I heard Brindleface's quiet snoring, wiggled away from her super cat grip and left the den. I expected dramatic shouting or some heavy resistance, but nothing came. Huh, that was easy. I quickly made my way to the dirt place. If anyone did notice me, they shouldn't get too suspicious. Nothing to see here, just some kit, wanting to take a shit and make the job of apprentices easier…

In the dark I fumble around a little bit, until I find my escape route. There! The thicket is thiner in one particular spot. After a few moments I find what I was looking for. A hole! Sure it's overgrown, but I'm also really small. I crouch down and make my way outside, feeling various branches scraping my body. And just like that, I'm free!

Not looking behind, I book it. To be honest, I don't even know where I'm going, I just picked a random direction. I had a few plans how to find my way to civilization. I just needed to go in a straight line. If I found a river, I could follow it downstream. If I found a road, I could also follow it in any direction I wanted. Hopefully I'm going in the twoleg, uh, I mean human settlement direction. I hope I don't get lost.

Dashing through the forest, I take a deep breath, feeling adrenaline coursing through my body. It's cold, it's dark, but for the first time in three months I feel alive. I don't want to stop running, ever. The forest prevents snow accumulation on the ground, but I have to skirt around many bushes and other obstacles, making my journey more difficult. At least the night sky is clear, and I can see the starts illuminating my chosen path. As I run deeper in to the forest, I hope that I'll find civilization sooner than later.

Nevertheless, my new body is that of a kitten, so I had to slow down and start walking instead. I don't know if I could do this, in summer time where my movement would be slowed down. Thankfully all the tree roots and bushes are exposed at this weather so I don't have to stumble around.

Maybe I should climb up a tree to look where I am? Maybe from there, I could see some city lights?

I picked the nearest tree and just looked at it. After a few moments of hesitation, I jumped on it, trying to get a better hold of it with my claws. This ends in failure when I slide down the bark. Claws. How do they work? I can't force them out consciously. They seem to be driven by my emotion, by my cat instinct. If I had time, I'm sure I could have mastered tree climbing, but alas, I did not have that kind of luxury. My butt was starting to freeze. I cast a hateful glance at the tree.

 _'I didn't want to climb on you anyways.'_

When that didn't work, I tried listening for cars (maybe I'm near a road?) or a river, but I could only hear the tree branches moving. Maybe I didn't go far enough? I sure hope I'm not walking in circles. The trees grew close together, and I didn't see any clearings. The moon was high, it must have been somewhere close around midnight. As I started walking again, I keep looking up, deep in thought. Hey, I'm in the warrior cat universe. Doesn't that mean that Starclan is real? Are they watching me now? Most importantly, do they know that I'm a human?

 _'Uh, Starclan, if you're really real, please help?'_ I silently pray to no one in particular. Seriously, I don't want to be in this forest forever. I want to find signs of humanity NOW!

Alas, no magical sign, no nothing. What feels like hours (and it probably is at my speeds) are spent walking... And walking... And walking... It is getting harder to travel, the snow one particular area is deeper than before. My pure determination keeps me going, even though I feel colder and colder by the minute. At this point I'm tired. I wanted to curl up and take a nap, and I probably would have if my human brain didn't knew about hypothermia. I needed to keep moving, if I wanted to survive. Shit, why is this forest so big?

Suddenly, I sense something new. My nose wrinkles, when a foul smell hits me. I mentally frown, trying to understand what the hell is that smell. It doesn't smell like forest at all. It smells like…

"A motorway, yes!" I gurgle out, the meaning only understandable to me. I start running again, until I finally see it. I carefully creep closer, when a terribly loud noise and a bright light momentarily engulfs me. A car! I watch it zoom away, the road empty once again. Okay, first sign of civilization. If my mental map is correct, the nearest settlement is in complete opposite direction. Fuck. But not all is lost. I am smart. I know that roads lead to towns. I just need to follow it. I look around. Should I go left or right?

"Here he is, I found him!" I hear a deep voice right behind me. Oh no. Instantly, my heart sinks.

Shit, shit, shit they found me. How did they find me?!

A few moments later, two cats emerge from the forest. Whitestorm and Runningwind. I'm pretty sure that Runningwind was on guard patrol tonight, so the white tom must have volunteered to go and find me. So Whitestorm is my daddy theory confirmed? Another car passes, and I watch as both toms flinch away with fear. Don't be scared kitty cats, if you're not on the road, you're safe. Most of the time.

"###, get back here!" Runningwind meows anxiously. Should I book it? The road is clear and I could continue my journey from Shadowclan's side. Another car passes us, and I suddenly realize how tired I am. I sit down and let out a weak mew. Geez I want to sleep. I could take a short nap just here and continue in the morning.

The warriors don't wait. Whitestorm quickly approaches me and starts grooming me. I feel a little bit warmer, but the gesture doesn't take away my tiredness. Eww, I hate when cats groom me…

"We need to get back, fast. He's frozen solid." The white warrior meows between the licks and grabs me in his jaws.

If I wasn't dead tired, I would have complained. This is embarrassing. I just want to sleep. I just want to find humans, why don't they understand that? I don't belong here.

I don't want to die again.

The warriors take turns carrying me back to camp. I'm not a light kitten after all, I'm quickly transitioning in to the long kitty territory. I wonder if this also happened in the books. The answer is – who knows? If Fireheart is not here to witness it, does it really happen?

I'm almost asleep as we reach the camp. It's awfully quiet. I think I can see some curious glances from the warrior den, but I think I'm just making it up. I'm not important enough to wake up the entire clan. To my surprise, I'm carried straight to the medicine den, when a nervous Brindleface and Yellowfang greet us.

"Oh Starclan, is he dead?" Wails Brindleface as I weakly struggle in Whitestorms jaws.

"He's still alive, Brindleface, help me warm him up." Orders Yellowfang and I am put to the ground. The cats start grooming me. This feels nice. I almost start purring.

"We found him next to the thunderpath, just like you said, Yellowfang." Meowed Runningwind, completely out of breath." Few more steps and he would have collapsed from exhaustion."

"Thank Starclan, that they gave you a sign." Whitestorm dipped his head respectfully at the medicine cat. I would also feel grateful if somebody warned me about the possible death of my son." I will never forget this."

"You're in so much trouble, ###" murmured Brindleface after her initial relief wore off, but I wasn't listening. I needed to find a way to directly speak with Starclan, the prayers just won't cut it.

A new half baked plan forms in my groggy mind.

I needed to go to the Highstones.

 **2019.06.28 fixed some grammar mistakes**


	6. Mandatory dream sequence

**Chapter 5**

"Achoo!" I sneezed so loudly, that I even managed to startle Fireheart. Man, I'm stupid. I'm a walking self- prophecy. Maybe if I didin't try to run away, I wouldn't have managed to catch this stupid cough…

There was an official whitecough outbreak in the camp. Most of the current sick cats were only sick because of me, woopsie. I may or may not purposefully sneezed on Swiftpaw, when he came to clean the den, but the rest were pure accidents, I swear! I'm sorry Snowkit, I didn't mean to make your sister sick! To Brindleface's horror, I also infected Fernkit. How? I don't even know, but hey, I appreciated the company!

I sneezed again and watched as Fireheart reluctantly stood up, and left the medicine cat den. Poor Cinderpaw hasn't woken up yet. From my resting spot I can see her unnatural, twisted leg. Even the powerful smell of herbs can't mask the scent of blood and pus coming out of it. Funny, I slept through the whole "Cinderpaw gets fucked up by a car" plotline, a few days ago. I also managed to indirectly kill Bluestar. Apparently, I infected Whitestorm with whitecought, who in turn spread the disease to his aunt. The rest was history: because of me Fireheart had to go and gather more herbs and Cinderpaw got a hug from a car. Take notes Tigerclaw, THIS is how you deal with your enemies.

These past events also cemented my original idea, that I can't change anything, thus, I was truly destined to die. I would have cried, but my failed escape attempt left me a little bit cathartic. There was nothing left for me to do, just wait. It wouldn't be long now.

Right now, my whole body feels like shit, so I doubt I could make the trip to Highstones, wherever they are. Even if I tried to, Yellowfang doesn't let me leave the den. It appears she isn't the only one, because it feels like the whole clan is watching me. Sometimes I try praying to Starclan, but like always, nothing happens. They are probably busy watching over Cinderpaw, but come on, who cares about her, I already know that she lives. Like seriously, I'm literally dying over here, they should focus on me. I'm the self-insert, right? Shouldn't I have some cool superpowers? Apparently not. I'm not counting the stupid ass "book sense". Nevertheless, I try eating the shitty herbs that Yellowfang gives me, but I don't think it's enough to fully cure me. Like I said before, it's chewed up grass. The occasional catnip is great though and it makes me feel funny.

The days go by and Cinderpaw is still not responsive. Life as cat is boring as hell, so to pass time, I think a lot. Maybe it's the progressing illness or the catnip speaking, but for one clear moment I thought about my life leading up to now. Frankly, it was shit. If it was a story, it would have probably be in "angst" and "despair" category. For some reason, this kind of thought makes me very angry. I want to live through this sickness through sheer spite, just to prove myself wrong.

Fuck whoever put me here.

Fuck the gods for not responding, Starclan in particular, because I'm officially naming dogs as my new favorite animal.

I feel my determination rising. You know what? Enough is enough. I'm going to **SURVIVE** whatever the universe throws at me. Bring it on suckers!

The very same evening my condition takes a sharp turn for the worse and I've officially got greencough.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Fernkit doesn't make my life any easier either. I understand, that she's a kitten, but it seems that even with a deadly sickness, she manages to find energy to play and talk. Where's caretaker when you need her?

"Do you want to sneak out?" She whispers not so quietly. Any louder and she's going to catch Frostfur's aka Brindleface's spy attention. "I'm bored."

"No." I wheeze out. My throat is killing me. For real, how can she talk with a sore throat and glazed eyes?

"I'm sure Brindleface wouldn't mind." The she-kit sneezes."Ashit's probably lonely."

"No." I repeat. The nursery queens would kill her if she managed to infect their kits.

"Let's play then!" Fernkit playfully bites my ear. I would hiss or move away from her, but I feel miserable. I cough a few times and lower my head in front of my hand-paws. I try focusing on the "not dying" part of my life. Breathing is hard when both of your nostrils are blocked. Staying alive is getting more and more difficult. I side eye Yellowfang, who is putting new leaves on Cinderpaw's leg. I'm sure it would heal up just fine, if Cinderpaw was brought before a vet. That's not happening though.

"No." I manage to whisper once again. I feel so neglected. Seriously Yellowfang, stop playing favorites and come to this part of the den already!

"You're no fun at all." Huffs Fernkit for the third time today and pointedly looks away from me. I cough again, but that doesn't bring Yellowangs attention. That's it, I'm tired of this medical malpractise, I'm getting my own medicine. With shaky legs I wobbilly stand up.

"Where are you going?" Seeing me finally move, Fernkit forgets that she's mad at me, and springs in to action. "Are you going to go raid Shadowclan again? Can I come too?" So that's why she's pestering me more than usual. Ashkit was the one who spread the rumour and of course Fernkit believed him.

"No." I pointed with my nose, where Fernkit took a dump a while ago. Because we were kits and had greencough, it was the duty of apprentices to clean up our messes. " _Gotta poop_." But of course the last part came out like gibberish. Seriously, why do I even try talking? Nevertheless, she got the idea.

"Oh." The excitement visibly left Fernkit's body and she settled down. As I start moving deeper in to the den, she doesn't even look in my direction. I have to give credit to Fernkit, even as a cat she knows better than to stare.

I think Yellowfang left the den for a few moments or was really busy, because I don't know any another reason why she didn't notice me raiding her medical herb supply. Her fault really, maybe she thought I ran away again? Wait, why do I even care? Anyways, I was after poppy seeds and catnip in particular. They were easy to find, especially the catnip. I sneakily glanced around and promptly gobbled up at least half of her catnip and poppy seed supply. Not that gross, when you chew it up yourself. I clearly need the supplies more than anyone else. I mean, I'm the victim here! The bigger dose, the quicker I heal, right?

The medicine mix hit me a few minutes after I returned to Fernkit. As everything started to feel weird (even more than it usually was), I realized that mixing the herbs probably wasn't my brightest idea. Eating half of the supplies probably also didn't help. After a few minutes Fernkit's pelt started changing colours and my limbs started spazzing out. This was bad. This was really, really bad. This was not supposed to be happening.

Soon, I was having the weirdest trip of my lifetime. Even Fernkit's horrified squeaks seemed funny to me.

"This is all your fault." I manage to wheeze out as the gray-green-blue-red medicine cat appears out of nowhere. The den keeps spinning all around me and I feel like throwing up." I'm dying over here, but you just haaaad to look after Cinderpaw. Seriously, we both know that the leg is a goner, so just forget about her and focus on me!"

And then I promptly threw up, convulsed some more and died.

Kidding!

The suffering never ends.

Suddenly, I was sitting in a starry meadow, just chillin' and eating chips in front of my laptop. Wait, since when do I even have a laptop? I freeze for a moment and spit out the mushroom flavored chips. Huh? I blink rapidly, but the scenery doesn't change. Where am I? I remember having trouble breathing and then… Thoroughly confused I start looking around.

"Wha…" I start questioning when something, no, _someone_ caught my attention. There! Just a few steps away from me, curled on the ground was a pretty turtle-shell cat. I squinted at the cat, feeling like I'm forgetting something very important. Meanwhile the cat looked like she seen a ghost. Wait, normal cats don't stare like that…

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Suddenly screamed the cat, panic evident in her voice, as she started running away. OH RIGHT I REMEMBER NOW! I'm in Starclan, duuuh. Yay, I've got my confirmation, now to get some answers! Wait, where is she going?! Oh shit, I forgot, I'm a human!

"FUCK! NO! Wait, you got to help me! Come back!" I sprang into action and started chasing the cat. Thank god I was a lucid dreaming master, so I didn't fall behind too much, considering I haven't run on two legs for a while "WAAAAIT! I just want to talk!"

Thinking about it now, I realize I must have scared the poor ghost cat. But I didn't have a choice! I knew for sure, that reincarnation was a thing in warrior cat's universe, so maybe they could have told me where the human heaven (or something like that) was? Where to get help? Seriously, I just wanted to talk.

What happened next was the most epic chase scene in my lifetime. As I chased the she-cat full sprint, more and more cats appeared in our path. There were a lot of screams and shouting involved, coming from me and the cats. Everyone was clearly panicking and it was quite hard to not trip over. Seriously, as a bunch of dead cats they sure do seem lively.

I ran for about five more minutes, until I lost sight of the original cat in the mist of general chaos. Shiiiiiiiiit. Desperately looking around I saw a reddish colored cat, hiding behind the nearest bush. Got to say, if he didn't emit a starry glow, I would have completely missed him. Thinking quick on my feet I jumped and grabbed the cat. Now to get my answers!

"AHHHHH IT GOT ME!" Screamed the cat as it was struggling to get away, like it's un-life depended on it. With an iron grip on its scruff (ouch, ouch stop scratching me!), I started running away, towards the place I first appeared.

"Ahhhh, I'm terribly sorry, but you got to help me!" I shouted at the cat, hoping it could understand me. "Seriously, one day I just woke up as a cat, and I know that Starclan…"

"Redtail, we're coming!" I heard a loud meow-shout coming from behind. For a moment I turned my head backwards. Uh oh, seems that the initial panic was over. It seemed that the cats noticed that I borrowed their friend for a moment and were organizing a rescue. Huh, some of them sure do look angry. Oh shit. My eyes widened. There were at least three hundred cats there, maybe even more. I started running faster, my feet barely touching the ground now.

"Ahhh! Let me go!" Redtail struggled and scratched me a few more times.

"Redtail? Oh man, sorry about your death. Don't worry, Tigerstar or, uh, Tigerclaw is totally gonna get it in the later books. Anyways, like I was saying, and ouch, ouch, could you please scratching me, I need your help…"

But the former Thunderclan deputy didn't listen. As I ran all the way through Starclan territory, I could finally see the the place the cats were trying to herd me to. A dark, spooky, possibly haunted forest.

Seriously? I still have Redtail, if I run in there, they will lose clear sight of me… It seemed that the cats came to the same conclusion as they started to slow down and try to flank me. Alas, I was still faster. As I reached the edge of the misty and totally creepy forest, I stopped. Looking around I spotted and grabbed the closest stick next to me (not an easy job to do, when you have to hold a fully grown and panicky cat in your other one). I quickly turned around and was faced with the herd.

"One more step, and I'm taking Redtail with me on a trip in the dark forest. You'll never see him again." I started bluffing right away. The cat herd stopped about two meters away from me, seemingly unsure what to do next with their friend in danger. My threat hanged heavily in the air as I slowly caught my breath.

As I scanned their scared and unsure expressions and mutterings, I came to a slow realization that they didn't understand a word I was saying.

They probably just didn't want a crazy twoleg kidnap Redtail to their spooky-cat-hell forest.

What to do, what to do? AGHHR, I'm so stupid! Why did I even think I could actually talk with dead cats? In the living world as a cat? Yes, probably? But here? In this form? Not a chance.

I shook my head, feeling a panic attack coming. Ugh, not now! Okay, clam down, calm down… Deep breaths... In. Out.

Time for plan B. Primary mission fail. But I'm still here, aren't I?

' _Clearly, there are no answers waiting for me in Starclan. Seriously, all the fanfics lied to me'_

I took another deep breath of air and finally let go of the struggling tom, who quickly dashed to his brotherin. Even with their friend free, the kept trying to stare me down, clearly hesitating to attack. Yeah, the menacing stick probably didn't inspire a lot of courage.

Making their life easier, I turned around and stepped in to the dark forest. This could still work. I haven't awoken yet. Time for exploration! I don't need to talk with these stupid cats. As I ventured deeper and deeper, I swore on everything that was dear to me that I. WILL. FIND. THE. MEANING. BEHIND. THIS.

Oh, and while I'm at it maybe I'll find a bathroom or something, because I really wanted to take a piss.

 **Update: 2019-03-04 fixed some mistakes.**


	7. Foot in mouth

**Chapter 6:**

Can't… Breathe… Stuffy… Nose…

So hot… Burning…

Pitifully, I try breathing through my mouth, but find it terribly sore. I want to cough, but I can't find the strength to do it. Everything… Hurts. Still, it's the only way I can breathe right now.

Yes, yes. Breathing is good. Breathing makes me stay alive.

I need to focus on breathing.

I need to focus on staying alive.

I can do this.

It's been who knows how long since I woke up. Minutes? Hours? Sadly, my trip through literal cat hell was inconclusive. I haven't met anyone there. It would seem that even evil cat ghosts were scared of a random human intruding in their eternal un-resting place. So when I woke up I was just a little bit disappointed.

On one hand – I got my confirmation that afterlife actually exist. I mean, I already knew that Starclan should exist given the setting, but to actually SEE it? Unreal. So if cat heaven exists, surely my own kind should too, right?

I may or may not gotten lost in the forest of ultimate evil, so I haven't explored as much as I wanted to. Jeez, that place was unsettling. Everything was silent, _too_ silent for my tastes. Even though I don't want to return there (seriously – so creepy!) a few more similar trips and I'm sure I could find some answers to my current predicament.

On the other hand – I got my confirmation that afterlife exist. And by that I mean, I'm no special snowflake like Jayfeather who can visit the afterlife or communicate with Starclan willy-nilly. Apparently, I died. The whole stealing the medicine supplies and getting super high was just a bonus of not dying a slow and painful death that most likely happened to the real kit who's body I now possessed. That meant that I can't go exploring the afterlife anymore, well unless I died. Again. A giant NOPE, NEVER AGAIN to be honest.

Waking up from the whole experience was confusing to say the least. I don't know who was more confused/surprised – me, clearly heartbroken Brindleface or Yellowfang. I think I was dead for at least one or two hours. Thank gods Brindleface decided to mourn me in the medicine den for a bit instead of burying me in an instant.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me repeat myself. Did I mention THAT I BLOODY FREAKING DIED? Thinking back, Spottedleaf was probably there to welcome the poor, young Thunderclan kit to the afterlife (aka me). I mean, why else was she there? Just to say hello or berate the young kit for trying to run away? I mean, she sure looked surprised when she saw the not-cat version of me.

That begs the question, now that I'm clearly alive again, why doesn't Starclan intervene? By now they must surely know that something isn't right. Normal cats (correction, normal cats in this insane universe) don't usually get a second chance at living. Unless you're a clan leader or the protagonist of course. I don't think I fit the criteria, so what gives?

Could they even see me for who I truly am? Yes, they're cats, but surely even they could put two and two together, right? So where are the Starclan lightning strikes of doom? I wouldn't put it past them, to try to snipe me from the heavens above, trying to kill me. I mean they killed (will kill) Mudclaw just because they didn't want him to become a leader. My stomach churns in anxiety. Oh shit, what are they planning for a 'twoleg' imposter like me?!

Nope, I'm not thinking about it.

Okay, okay back to the question, how the hell did I came back? It sure as hell wasn't Starclan's intervention. Did the the forest affected me in some twisted way and sent me back here? Did it also feel like I didn't belong there? I hope I'm not possessed right now. Or maybe it was the same being or force that put me here? Does that mean that this wasn't some sort of mistake?

Does this mean I'm here with some kind of purpose in mind?

What is it then?

So many questions and I still have zero answers. That kind of thought doesn't make me any less depressed. Three months of this hell and I'm still bumbling through life like an idiot.

So yes, I'm back in the land of living! Woo! Let's never repeat this again! I coughed again. I needed to focus on my breathing. I think the initial greencough (more like pneumonia) has left me, but I'm still sickly. When I finally calmed down enough and thought things through the sun just started climbing and it started raining. Huh, quite peculiar to see rain in the middle of the winter.

I blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the crust around them. Curled around and keeping me warm was Yellowfang. Looking around I saw the sleeping body of Cinderpaw. None other cats were present, but I could still smell the milk scent of Brindleface. Huh? So I didn't dream her up. I was sure she was here when I woke up (died) a few hours ago? Maybe? So where was she? I felt a longing pain inside me that wasn't in any way connected to my sickness.

 _'Huh? Why do I feel...?'_

"Wha…? H-how…?" I managed to rasp out the first worlds that came to my mind. I was confused.

Wait a second, did I just talk?

Yellowfang must have felt me waking up, since the moment I talked she was up in an instant. Her amber eyes met mine - so humanish, so understanding. At that moment the whole force of the the sheer insanity that I just went through hit me harder than that truck that hit Cinderpaw.

"I died." I stated dumbly. Oh dear, I'm actually talking to a cat.

"I know." Yellowfang nodded calmly, her gaze never leaving me. I'm talking to a cat. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you." Suddenly she dipped her head, sounding old and tired.

A wave of emotions crashed in to me. Surprise. Confusion. Joy. Anger. Fear. Loneliness. The sheer insanity of the emotional turmoil almost knocks me on my feet and I start blinking away the torrent of tears welling up. I'm talking to a cat and for some reason I don't find the strength to care.

Just like I can't find the strength to cough, I can't feel the strength to question this insanity anymore.

"I-I'm s-scared." I manage to whisper out. How much time has passed since I actually talked to somebody? Too long. I finally have the ability to talk, but I find myself lacking words. I want to tell her so many things, about myself, the universe she - I, live in. I want to curse. I want to scream and rage. I want to point out things. I want to ask and be given answers. But I can't find the strength to do it. All I can do is curl up, cry and repeat the same words over and over again, the ultimate truth." I'm a-afraid. Always, always, always afraid…."

Yellowfang doesn't say anything, and tries to calm me by grooming my fuzzy pelt. I'm sure the gesture would have worked on any kit. But I'm not a normal cat am I? All the gesture does makes me shift in emotions.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" The tears suddently stop and I explode in ever consuming rage. My throat is killing me, but I don't care anymore."Y-YOU'RE THE REASON I DIED! I-I HATE THIS, I HATE YOU, I HATE EV… ARRGHHHHH!"I shriek, my throat deciding to put a stop to my outburst by cramming up. In my rage I try standing up on my legs, to run away, but I immediately fall over. "Shiiiiiit..."

Despite my outburst, the old medicine cat refuses to leave me alone and presses to me harder.

„Eat these kit, it will..." Are those poppy seeds? Did she predict my meltdown and prepared accordingly? She couldn't I was just dead! Dead cats don't need 's eyes flash with concern and newfound determination. I want to punch her stupid, flat muzzle. But wait! My lack of fists and opposable thumbs! I can't do even that! The anger leaves my body and grief overtakes me.

„I'm so pathetic! Why me? Why here? I didn't ask for this! I want to go home! I don't know anything! I try to make sense again and again, but every time I do, I fail!" I wail out still trying to get away from the medicine cat, from the seeds, from this insanity." Nothing makes sense! YOU'RE A C-CAT! YOU'RE NOT REAL!" I cry out in pure anguish, my snot flying everywhere.

„Kit, eat the herbs and you'll feel better." Urges Yellowfang, but doesn't force feed me the herbs like she usually does. Maybe she feels guilty over my death? No matter. I keep ranting and crying to my hearts content.

"Come on, eat the delicious herbs and I'll call Brindleface in the meantime?" The grey cat tries different angle in order to trick me. But I don't want to calm down or sleep! I'm an adult, god dammit! I don't want your shitty remedies!

„No!" I spit out my build up resentment."I don't want her. I don't need her. I don't need any of you." And I mean it. After all, Brindleface, no, caretaker just straight up replaces her son, me after he, I die. Who can blame her though? I mean, who wants a weak, sniveling, insane person like me? No wonder he, I managed to die in the books. HAD to died in the books. His, my death was quite important wasn't it? And if my calculations are correct...

Emotions shift once again and I start laughing, gleeful and afraid at the same time when I realize the implications. Seriously, these cats can go to hell.

"Let's see the butterfly effect in action, shall we?"

Me surviving means Brindleface wont have a reason to adopt Cloudkit, right? Does that mean he will die from starvation? Since none of the other queens will adopt him? The whole „kin of my kin", power of three prophecy is going to be alerted, since Dovewing will never be born that way. Ar all those cats going to die because of that? Every clan doomed due to my survival?

And there's Fireheart. All those fears he has will be realized. What if he chooses not to abandon his nephew and leave Thunderclan for good? „Fire alone will save our clan" prophecy straight up unfulfilled. No Fireheart - no salvation. These cats are so screwed. I mean, I will be long gone by the time rogues or Scourge shows up. The moment I heal up and the weather changes for the better, I'm out. They can't keep me here forever. How old am I, again? It won't be long now. Ah shit, I need to remember to convince Snowkit to come with me... He's the only I would want to try to save... Ugh, why do I even care?!

„How do you.. Wha..?" Yellowfang once again brings me out my rant, her body stiff against mine. I look at her wide, unbelieving eyes.

"Uh oh that right, these cats can understand my gibberish talk now. Oh shit, she's a medicine cat cat. Shit, I'm talking out loud, aren't I?"

„Uhhhhhh..." I mumble, feeling incredibly awkward. I need to keep my mouth shut! I quickly look away from her intent gaze, feeling fear for my mortality once again. I bet Starclan is watching. They are always watching! Shit! Now they're going to see that I'm not dead! They going to find out about me, if they didin't piece the puzzle already! Lightning strikes of doom please don't strike! I don't want to die!

"You heard nothing! This conversation didn't happen! If you tell anybody, I'll tell them about you and Brokenstar!"

And with that I curled up, refusing to talk or make contact with Yellowfang, her whole body feeling tense against mine. I should have taken the herbs. I should have waited for caretaker! Even though the whole conversation left me strangely catharic, the only thing I could think about was Starclan and it's wrath coming to get me.

Stupid me and my stupid mouth.

 **Edit: 2019.03.19 fixed the most glaring mistakes.**


	8. Explanations

**Chapter 7**

Dark, soulless eyes meet mine, and for a brief moment my whole body freezes. The smell of blood and decay reaches my nose and my stomach twists uncomfortably. With utter horror and disgust I can do nothing but watch, as two grey monsters, also known as my siblings, violently shove me to the side, and hungrily tear into the dead body. Guts, blood and brain matter splatter everywhere. The eyes of the dead squirrel penetrates my soul, as if daring me to join the carnage. The world starts spinning and I forget how to breathe.

"Wow! It tastes really great!" Fernkit mews excitedly, completely disregarding the blood on her muzzle.

"Yeah!" Adds Ashkit, as he takes a chunk of the critter's innards. I can see parts of it's guts sticking in Ashkit's teeth, like some sort of messed up spaghetti "This is even better than milk!"

"The first bite is always the tastiest." Purrs Brindleface with clear nostalgia. A few moments later she looks away from the two mini killing machines, to look at me with puzzled eyes."Come on ###, don't be shy."

In accordance to that, I do the most logical thing in the world.

"BLEEEGHHHHHHHUUURRK!"

I throw up.

Being hungry was nothing new to me. It was a guaranteed constant in my new life, just as boredom. As a cat I had no access to fast food restaurants or convenience stores, no reliable way to get food whenever I wanted. No, no pizza delivery here mister. Even if I found the whole notion of drinking cat's milk repulsive, I had to endure it, unless I wanted to starve to death. I'd lie if I said it got easier on me over time, so I won't. I just… Closed my eyes and straight up pretended that I was drinking a milkshake. An utterly disgusting milkshake, but still a milkshake nonetheless.

Sadly, my already abysmal luck seemed to run out, because Brindleface decided that we were old enough to stop nursing and needed to start feeding on dead forest critters. As a perfectly normal, well adjusted human being that I was, it was only natural that I reacted in such repulsive way.

"What is it ###? Are you feeling well?" Brindleface was in my face immediately, concern flashing in her green eyes.

I took another uneasy glance at the dead creature in front of me. It's not the innards or blood that made me throw up. It was the thought of me actually eating it, I realized.

"###?" She repeated louder, but I chose to ignore her. Yuck! And the day started so good. I only woke up once from the nightmares today!

"I-I'm okay…" I wheezed out, words strange in my mouth. What to do, what to do? Even though I'm a cat and put up with a lot of shit, this is where I draw the line.

No matter how hungry I am or will ever be, there's no way I'm ever eating mice, birds, rabbits or whatever the cats hunt up. I wouldn't even eat those if they were somehow magically cooked and seasoned. The dead critters are just that - dead critters.

I can't eat them.

I just can't.

Time was running out. The milk just wasn't sustaining me anymore. The hunger twists my stomach and despite Brindleface's fussing I sigh, find her belly and start nursing. Her milk isn't gone yet, but my future looks bleak.

Will I just starve to death? After all I endured, before my second chance at escape? Will I go to Starclan again? Will I return just like last time? Does this mean I'm immortal? That would be bad, I don't want to be stuck in cat's body forever! But what if I'm not? I don't want to be permanently dead either! Besides, the whole dying experience sucked balls..

Oh! If only I had escaped successfully! I could totally see myself eating food from trash cans. Just anything that wasn't gross dead animals!

It took me about three more days to fully recover from my sickness. Having the ability to breathe normally was such a relief I almost cried.

Oh, I also almost died again, when Brindleface returned just a few minutes after my emotional breakdown. Clan traditions were a little bit iffy when dealing with dead kittens apparently. It was the job of the parents, not elders, to bury their kits and was a private affair. I kinda understood - I mean, nobody wants to see a dead kit, a child in human terms. No public vigils here, considering just how many kit's die in their infancy, especially in the winter. Losing a kit was always a great blow to the clan as a whole.

Like I was saying before, Brindleface was so shocked when she saw me breathing (more like wheezing) she was up on me in an instant - almost licking me to death. I wanted to yell at her to back off, but the fear of blurting out anything that would put me on Starclan's shit list, prevented me from doing so.

My whole survival hinged on Starclan members being stupid and preoccupied from the *cough* * cough* "unexpected" twoleg intrusion, to notice that one Thunderclan kit escaped the clutches of death and somehow, without their intervention, became alive again.

I mean, Starclan was always listening, right? And if I learned anything from "Goosefeather's curse", is that there was a real possibility, that a bunch of dead, invisible ex-Thunderclan members were just chillin' around the camp. Cats who might have watched me die. Cats who watched me come alive again. Cats who would have heard me ranting to Yellowfang. Cats who might have been watching me.

Watching me right now.

I cast a suspicious glance around the medicine den, but aside from the sleeping form of Cinderpaw I did not see any invisible ghosts. Or did I? Damn, I wish I had Goosfeather's ability to see the dead. Then literally nobody could spy on me.

I'm on to you ghosts.

After making sure I was truly alive, Brindleface left. I guess that's how the rumour of my resurection started and my plans at staying overlooked by my supposed starry ancestors were left in shambles. If the camp was in a subdued mood before, it changed almost immediately. Heck, some cats didn't even know I died overnight, so when they heard of my come-back, they saw it as a direct blessing from Starclan.

I still wasn't sniped by Starclan, but who knows, maybe they were waiting for a moment when I was completely alone. Wouldn't want to accidentally kill Yellowfang or Cinderpaw, I guess. Ha! Good luck with that, because I was never alone. Wouldn't want to leave the mentally challenged, sick, twitching disaster that I was alone, would they?

My thoughts were interrupted when an strangely familiar scent entered the medicine den.

"Greetings Bluestar, how can I help you?" meowed Yellowfang and sat up from our shared nest."Your cough has not returned, I hope?"

"Do not worry, I'm fine." the majestic blue she-cat shook her head and I could only gwak, because honest to god BLUESTAR was right in front of me. It was like meeting Fireheart for the very first time again. I only saw her once or twice, from the entrance of the nursery. It felt utterly weird, but also, kind of exciting."I came to ask about Cinderpaw's and ### health." She added, and cast her eyes on me. I could see curiosity and scepticism in them. ' _I also came to find out if the rumours are true_ ' was left unsaid.

"Of course." nodded Yellowfang and the den fell silent for a couple of moments, as she gathered her thoughts."Cinderpaw's fever and infection in her leg is almost gone, and she seems more and more lucid with every passing moment. I give it one to two days until she fully wakes up."

"And her leg? Will it heal?"

"I did everything I could."Yellowfang's voice was weary and tired."But that kind of injury is beyond me. It still responds to pain, meaning it isn't dead, but even with proper training exercises it will be a hinderance. She will never be a proper warrior." Heavy silence clung in air and both cats looked at the ground, not wanting to accept the hard truth just yet.

"And how's ###?" Bluestar asked after a moment..

It was my turn to look at the ground, suddenly nervous. This is it! I bet this den contained more dead cat spies than ever before. I swear to god, if Yellowfang rats me out…

Yellowfang remained silent, but I could feel her looking at me.

"It was mistake on my part."She finally spoke, with that tired voice again. At least she's owning up to her mistake."I tried… But greencought still took him. I-I'm.."Here her voice cracked."I'm so, so, sorry…"

Goddamit, why did she said I died! Couldn't she lied I was in a coma or something? She knew what a coma was, right? I briefly looked up and watched as Bluestar leaned in to comfort the medicine cat.

"You're a great medicine cat, Yellowfang." Bluestar's voice was calm and comforting."I'm sure you did your best."

A strange knot formed in my mouth. As much as I wanted to ignore them, I found it hard to resist the clear human words and emotions flying everywhere. What could have put Yellowfang over the edge? I never saw her this upset as long as I remembered... Oh. Of course, even in the books she tried to compare herself to Spottedleaf.

I also kinda shouted and blamed her for my death just a few hours ago.

...

And now I feel bad. God dammit. Why do I feel bad? Why do they have to act like humans! Stupid cats are making me feel sympathetic!

"I'm okay now." I spoke up, wanting to be done with my conflicting feelings."I don't blame you Yellowfang." I lied. Might as well cover my ass right here, where Bluestar and potential ghosts cats were listening.

Finally Yellowfang regained her bearings and nodded to Bluestar.

"Yes… I.. We can only thank Starclan for the second chance he was given." Her expression grew serious as she looked at me."Do you understand ###? There is a reason they have done this. I know this must be confusing and scary, but you need to have courage."

Well, that was a lot of bull, but I already knew that. Hey, now that I could speak, I wanted to ask her something. There was one thing that nagged me in the back of my mind. Might as well find out now.

"When I ran away, Runningwind said you were given a sign of it" I said after brief hesitation."Was it truely from Starclan?"

Did that mean, that they truly couldn't see my soul? Helped me, because they did not know better?

"You… Ran away? Why?"Bluestar meowed confused. Oh crap, I shouldn't have said that. With Yellowfang here it was too late to pretend to be mindless vegetable. Another awkward silence filled the air.

"Just answer the question." I repeated with more determination, refusing to look Bluestar.

"Yes."Yellowfang said slowly."It was a warning from Starclan, that you're missing."

"Why would they do that…"I mumbled to myself, still feeling amiss. I hated them. If it weren't them, I would have escaped.."Are you sure it was from Starclan?"

"Who else could it be from?"Yellowfang asked, her head tilted slightly. Oh shit, right, they don't have any other deities. I can't explain what ROB is to these cats.

"Ummmm." I confess nothing! I needed to deflect any arising suspicions."After I.. It's just that... When I was… Um, well, I didn't see anything..."Oh what to do, what to do. Ah an idea!"Ashkit says that Starclan doesn't exist."Here that should do it. Blaming the sibling always works. Was it too late to pretend to be an atheist to avoid unwanted questions?

Yellowfang was still watching me with a puzzled expression, and I knew she wanted to talk with me in private. Bluestar, seemed to misinterpret my nervousness and gave me one quick lick, that in cat culture meant to be reassuring.

"Have faith in Starclan, ###"She said."I'm sure you'll grow up to be a strong warrior one day."Yeah, that's what I was afraid of - getting stuck in a religious warrior cat cult forever. I coughed a few times (not intentionally) and she backed off. Yeah, I also wouldn't want to die from greencough again, Bluestar. I closed my eyes, feeling tired. This was a loooooong day.

Bluestar and Yellowfang did not talk long after that. With strained ears, I heard a small commotion starting outside. Right, this has to be it. Fireheart must have brought Cloudkit just like in the cannon. I tried sniffing the air to confirm my suspicions, but I couldn't because of my stuffy nose. Soon the clan leader said her goodbye's and left the den. I counted to two, when I heard Bluestar's voice.

"What's this?" she demanded.

It was showtime.

Even though I was tired, I stood up and made my way near the entrance of the den, where I could see and hear everything more clearly. Yellowfang followed and sat next to me without a word, her own expression curious, as we watched the whole clan brutally roast Fireheart. Insults, racism (I counted kittypelt's as a race in this situation), prejustice, man these cats were ruthless. "Clan is a family" my ass. Even the seemingly chill cats voiced their concerns.

I squinted my eyes, trying to get a better look. Damn this cat eyesight, giving me an headache. Even from here I could tell that Cloudkit was cuter than I will ever be. God dammit Cloudkit, why do you have to look so cute, now I'm feeling guilty over you potential death.

The roast ended when Graystripe decided to stand up for his friend, and the whole clan finally slinked back to their dens.

"Let's go inside."Yellowfang nudged me slightly, and not willing to start an argument, I followed her. As I settled back in our shared nest, I couldn't help but wonder.

Did I potentialy ruined the plot of Warrior cats, just through sheer existence?

If yes - maybe, just maybe I just screwed these cats over by destroying the oldest existing prophecy ever. The clans needed Cloudkit, and in turn Dovewing.

Hm... Yeah no.

These cats can only blame themselves - maybe if they weren't such assholes to each other, they wouldn't need saving from their evil, dead cat ancestors, with grudges the size of the moon in the future. The roasting showed their true personalities. Sure, go ahead - destroy your only chances at salvation, you stupid clan cats.

The alternative? My existence is literally meaningless. That means that no matter what I do, I can't change a thing from the standpoint of the book. Hm, that's not quite right or else I'm a living paradox, since I'm still alive. Am I a supporting character? Will I get killed by a stupid falling branch between the books?

It was time to find out.

The rain outside partially stopped, when I heard Bluestar's sharp voice piercing the air. It seemed that she was calling a clan meeting. Yellowfang and I seemed to be operating on the same page, because both of us slowly stood up and made our way near the den entrance, the thirst of gossip too hard to resist.

"Bla bla bla remember last year when we lost those kits to greencough, bla bla bla Brokenstar and rogues bla bla bla, Cinderpaw will never be a warrior bla bla bla, need more warriors bla bla bla." I only listened to Bluestar with one ear, and compared her speech to the cannon one. It seemed familiar, but not quite.

A decision was made an Cloudkit officially joined Thunderclan.

Hm.

So my survival wasn't a deciding factor after all? Sure, as far as clan cats went, Brindleface wasn't an asshole. Okay, maybe a little bit, but compared to Speckletail she was a saint. I'm 100 % sure that Speckletail wouldn't have agreed to nurse him. Her sister though Frostfur - she was a real saint. I bet if Cloudkit was brought to the clan earlier, she would be the one to adopt him.

"So. Care to explain what happened?" Yellowfang interrupted my thoughts after we returned to the den. For a moment I thought about ignoring her or straight out lying, but I doubted that would work. Yellowfang was perceptive, I'll give her that. I doubt she knew I was a human, obviously, but special? Powered? Blessed by Starclan? I don't know the correct term. Definitely. I looked at her eyes and saw that she knew, that I knew, that she knew.

"I don't want to talk about it."I mumbled, still wary. I bet there are at least a dozen of ghosts, trying to listen in."I'm tired."

"You don't have to be afraid. Not anymore." The she-cat seemed to remember my initial freakout. If only she knew. My fear was purely existential. Still, she kept pushing for answers.

"I knew."I finally admitted. Might as well confirm my specialness, to avoid further suspicion about knowledge I shouldn't have."I always knew that I will die if I stayed here, so I tried to run away. That didn't work as you can see."

Yellowfang nodded for me to continue, so I blabbled away, carefully avoiding mentioning my trip to Starclan and the forest of DOOM.

"It is so frustrating - knowing my fate, but not having the ability to do anything about it."I bitterly spat out, and jeez, it was so good to finally say it.

"What do you mean?" Yellowfang prodded.

"That's my "power", I guess."I finally said."Knowing things. Past, present, future and more. Much much more. Not as practical as yours,sadly."

For a moment, the den was silent.

"So when you mentioned Brokenstar…" The medicine cat's asked quietly, eyes glazed over with worry.

"I don't care."I shook my head before she said anything more."I don't care about him, or you, or anybody else. Believe me, you are nor the first nor the last cat to have secrets like this. I'm not planning to blab or anything, if that's what you're afraid of."

The den was silent once again.

"Listen."I started again."I'm tired Yellowfang. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Keep your secrets, if that's what you wish, but know this - the longer Brokenstar stays alive, the longer everyone is in danger." Here, I can be nice and hint at some things. Okay, okay I'm only telling her this, because I know for sure that Brokenstar is going to invade Thunderclan. I was hoping that Yellowfang kills him straight away, before the other clans find out."Believe me. I know."

Now here's to hoping that Starclan doesnt kill me soon. I'm pretty sure Starclan members themselves didn't know exactly how or why "powers" manifested. Cat magic, I guess. Now I only needed to avoid dying until spring time.

There was nothing left to say and Yellowfang didn't press any further. The only notable thing that happened in the following days, was Cinderpaw finally waking up.

It was tried not to stare at her leg. Even though the apprentice quickly regained her enthusiasm, it was hard to watch her struggle.

Soon, it was time for me to return to the nursery, where I was promptly grounded (or the cat equivalent of it) by Brindleface. I got to meet my newest sibling and quickly realized, that I was going to die from starvation sooner than later.

 **A/N: My idea for this fic is constantly changing. At first I wanted to write this story with a realistic, serious SI-OC, who just doesn't accept things right away or ever, when thrown in to another universe, and as a cat of all things. I never intended for this story to be angst or despair (more like misadventure/comedy-drama). I dislike fix fics, so don't expect the SI to go changing or saving everybody and their grampa, because he's supposed to be kind of self-centered.**

 **Q: Will ### ever have a name? - there are a few names I have floating in my mind, but his name isn't really important to the story, so you can call him whatever you want. He probably knows his name, but decides to tune it out, still refusing to acknowledge the reality he's in. (The longer he stays in the universe/the more 'insane' and more 'cat-like' he gets.)**

 **2019.09.12 - fixed some mistakes.**


	9. Conversations

**Chapter 8**

It was the day after Brokenstar, now Brokentail, attacked ThunderClan with his band of not so merry rogues. The clan was was on edge - and who wouldn't be, when your clan leader decided to shelter a known murderer, hated by literally everybody. I hoped he died soon.

My reasons for wanting him dead sooner than later were entirely selfish. I needed to survive until spring time, when the weather changed for the better, and I became six months old. Being six months old meant that I could become an apprentice, and escape ThunderClan without the whole clan freaking out.

But there was a slight problem. In the books Ashkit and Fernkit became apprentices at 8-9 months old, way in the summertime. One of the main reasons why that happened, was because Bluestar went batshit insane after Tigerclaw's betrayal, and couldn't function as a leader anymore. I hoped to escape before any of that crazy shit happened, and if that meant nudging Yellowfang to kill her son, before he started plotting with Tigerclaw, so be it.

Alas, my casual thoughts on murder were interrupted by my littermates, who had an excited glint in their eyes. Suspicious. Cloudkit took initiative and quickly started rambling, while I eyed them with disdain.

"This is the stupidest idea I have ever heard." I scoffed after he finished.

"It's not stupid!" Cloudkit was quick to defend himself. He briefly looked around and continued in a quieter voice." We're doing it for the clan."

"Come on, ###. You been outside the camp before. You can show us around." Added Ashkit, trying to appeal to my sense of adventure.

"No. Stop bothering me." I said and pointedly turned my back on them, trying to get back to plotting the demise of a certain cat.

"Ugh, let's just leave." Fernkit meowed impatiently."He'll just slow us down, anyway."

"Have fun freezing your tails off!" I called out as they slinked out of the nursery, not caring if anyone heard me or not.

Cloudkit decided that he didn't want to wait to become an apprentice to sneak out of the camp. 'Let's go hunting for the clan' he said. 'It's going to be fun' he said. Yeah, no way. First of all, there was currently a giant fucking blizzard raging outside, and I didn't want to freeze to death. Secondly, I was still feeling ill from the mouse I ate this morning.

Yes, that's right, I finally caved. Desperation makes you do funny things for survival. As much as it grossed me out, the pain in my stomach became unbearable in the last few days. The presented mouse was so pitifully small, I gobbled it up without chewing. I was disgusted to the core, but the pain in my stomach lessened, if only a bit. Brindleface was overjoyed I started eating.

'Still, better than nothing.' I thought grimly.'Few more months of this hell and it's over.' Man, my future therapy sessions are going to be so expensive.

"###, where are your littermates?" Asked me Brindleface a while later. From my warm spot, I watched as the queen slowly roused from her afternoon nap, and noticed that three out of four of her kits were missing.

"Outside." I simply said, watching the queen's tail shooting up in alarm.

"What? In this weather?!" She meowed so startled, that her panicked voice woke Frostfur and Specketail on the other side of the den."They'll freeze to death!"

"I wish." I mumbled under my nose and watched as she scrambled out of the nursery, to look for them. Frostfur was quick to follow, leaving Speckletail to look after us kits. Knowing that my siblings will only get a nasty cold at the worst, I calmly curled in my warm spot and took a brief nap.

The shouting match was fun to wake up to. With amusement I watched as caretaker grounded my siblings from leaving the nursery for a whole moon. In kit's terms that was practically forever. I guess she didn't shout loud enough, because the very next day the trio decided that they wanted to play warriors and sneaked out of the camp. Again. They didn't bother telling me anything this time, but I still knew.

"Where are they?" Caretaker asked me when she woke up from her nap. Sure I could play dumb and say nothing, but hearing her yell at the three kits, brought me joy that was hard to acquire in a place like this.

"They left the camp to help WindClan." I said as nonchalantly as I could, wanting to see her reaction.

"What?" She asked cooly. I slumped on my back, showing her my belly - paragon of innocence.

"You heard me." I looked her dead in the eyes."Hey, look at the bright side. At least it's not snowing this time."

Brindleface let out a frustrated yowl and left the nursery.

'These cats nap too much.' I thought. Seriously, it seemed I was the only one who didn't feel the need sleep for 16 hours a day.

Sadly, I couldn't speed forward time, so the days cooped up in the nursery went excruciatingly slow. The only remotely interesting thing that happened was Brightkit and Thornkit becoming apprentices, and Cloudkit almost dying to deathberries and badgers. Ashkit and Fernkit also got a spot on Brindleface's shit list for antagonizing the resident blind war prisoner, so I had a fun time taunting them. At this point my own escape attempt (and the following death experience) was completely forgotten on the clan cats.

Or so I thought. To my complete unease, I had caught Yellowfang staring at me everytime I went to do my bussiness at the dirt place - the only place I left the nursery for. Since I wasn't sniped by StarClan after all this time, I assumed I was safe. But what if I wasn't? What if StarClan communicated with her and told her to kill me? Nononono, the dead cats were usually not that direct. Still, Yellowfang's staring was not helping my paranoia.

"###, can I talk to you for a moment?" She called out one day, as I was leaving the stinky place. Thousand excuses ran through my head as I subtly looked around. I spotted Longtail and Dustpelt sitting on the other side of the clearing. If Yellowfang decided to kill me, I could probably yell loud enough to catch their attention and run away. Unless they were plotting alongside with the medicine cat, I was safe.

"Yes?" I trotted to her, but still keeping a healthy distance. The last time we talked was way back, when I finally lost, or in the eyes of the clan cats, gained my sanity. Since the only "disability" I had now, was somewhat erratic body movements (when I tried to move how a human would), Brindleface didn't bother dragging me to the medicine den anymore.

"Let's go inside my den, where it's warmer." Yellowfang said. Ha! Nice try!

"Brindleface will be mad if I won't return soon." I said. I didn't want her to forbid me from becoming an apprentice at six months old, like she did with my grey siblings. I narrowed my eyes with suspicion."Get to the point." I said curtly.

The medicine's cats eyes widened with surprise, probably from my attitude, but at this point I gave no shits. I wouldn't pretend to be a mindless kit, or a nice person in general, because I wasn't. I loathed these cats and I hoped they knew it.

"Would you like to become my apprentice?" She finally meowed, voice serious.

For a moment I froze. Yeah, should have seen that coming. It's not like I lied to her about having powers. Clearly remembering the book series made me like a seer of some sort. If I was a normal cat, or knew that I was going to be stuck as a one forever with 100% certainty, I would gladly do so. Life as a medicine cat seemed more appealing, than being a warrior.

But then there was the whole 'scaring the crap out of StarClan' fiasko that I didn't want to potentially repeat at Highstones… It would also intervete with my current escape plan...

"While learning the art of herbs and healing would be certainly…useful... It's not the right path for me."I meowed, slowly."If you want an apprentice ask Cinderpaw, she'll do great as medicine cat. Believe me,"I paused for a bit."I know."

"I see."Yellowfang said."But I want you to think about it."

"Sure."I easily agreed. I already decided that I wouldn't take her offer, but she didn't have to know that."Be honest. Did you offer the position because StarClan gave you a sign, or because you wanted to keep a closer eye on me and my power?" It certainly wasn't because of my stellar personality.

"Don't you already know?" She asked quizzically.

"My powers don't work like that." I wasn't omnipotent, but she wouldn't understand that word. I pawed the frozen ground impatiently."So?"

"The latter." The gray cat answered honestly, and I nodded with relief - a strange gesture for a cat."I thought you did not believe in StarClan?"

"It's complicated." I shot back. They were real, yes, but I didn't have faith in them. Not after seeing them freak out on me."Anyways, like I said before, you shouldn't worry about me. I won't blab anyone's secrets. Or tell them their destinies or futures or things like that, well unless they want to. Would you like to know how you die, Yellowfang?"

The medicine's cats fur started bristlingwith unease. I scoffed.

"Yeah, see what I mean? It would be chaos. The Clans would dissolve just from the sheer blackmail material that I've got." Did cats even know what blackmail was? Hmm." Luckily for you, I don't give a rat's ass about anybody, except myself."

"Yes, some things are best to be left unsaid." The grey cat had a faraway look in her eyes. Was she thinking about Brokentail?"Like your powers. You shouldn't tell anyone about them."

"I know. I'm not stupid."I huffed irritated. Tigerclaw would most likely kill me to cover his ass, not to mention the cats from the other clans. I only told Yellowfang, because I was in a very weak emotional state. Thank god I had the foresight not to talk about my humanity.

Yellowfang looked at me like she didn't believe me.

"###!" The unmistakable yowl of Brindleface caught my attention. I was only gone for ten minutes and she already sounded alarmed. After what my siblings constantly pulled, I wasn't so surprised.

"I should go." I said to the medicine cat. Before leaving I decided that it was the perfect time to push Yellowfang in the right direction."Word of advice. If you really care about the well being of ThunderClan deal with you son. Soon." And by deal I meant kill, but I hoped she understood the message.

"You just said you didn't care about anybody but yourself." Yellowfang understood, and from the way she was glaring at me, clearly didn't like the way I casually talked about her son's murder.

"I don't."I said and without thinking threw her own words back at her."But I want you to think about it."

 **A/n: And this fic lives, with nothing crazy happening, well at least for now. The kit arc is almost done. As for reasons for not updating: in these past few months I was busy with exams, finishing university, moving to a new place, finding a new job and even starting a new fic.**


	10. A slice

**Chapter 9**

"It's not fair!"Ashkit whined."Why does he get to become an apprentice and we don't?!"

"Yeah, we're littermates! We're supposed to become apprentices together!"Fernkit sounded more upset than angry.

"I should become one!"Cloudkit said from his spot of our shared nest."I already know how to hunt and take care of the elders!"

"Shush."Brindleface meowed between the licks, as she tried to make me look presentable before the upcoming naming ceremony. She failed miserably, because my pelt ignored all laws of physics and remained the untamed, ragged mess that it was."Cloudkit, you're still too young. Ashkit, Fernkit - if you want to become apprentices, you should start acting like ones." Well, that's one way of saying they were immature jackasses.

"But we're six moons old!"Ashkit sent Brindleface a glare. Brindleface, stopped grooming me for a moment, and gave him a hard look in return. Ashkit flinched and immediately looked away, the pussy."It's not fair…"He whined.

"Fair or not, I'm not changing my mind."The tabby queen said."You're being punished. When I said you're not becoming apprentices on time, I meant it. Do you understand?"

Ashkit and Fernkit mumbled something under their noses.

"I asked do you understand?" Brindleface's posture told that "no" wasn't an answer.

"Yes Brindleface." The kit's spoke louder this time.

"Good." The she-cat said and returned to her futile task at taming my fur.

I didn't need to have a calendar, to know that spring has finally come. The snow started to melt and soon the forest itself started to come alive, if barely. It was still chilly, but it didn't compare to the bitter cold of the winter. Briefly I mourned my lack of clothing. Even with approximately half a year to adapt to my new, furry life, I still felt vulnerable and exposed, but that's cat life for you.

So. Apprenticeship. It was actually happening. No, I wasn't becoming a medicine cat apprentice, mainly because I didn't want to aggro StarClan on myself. I knew, that they knew, that I wasn't a normal kit, but I doubted that they knew all my secrets. That I was powered? Yes. A former human? No. I still wasn't sniped, no ghosts visited me, neither in the waking or dreaming world.

Yellowfang herself also did not pressure me, and I was extremely grateful for that. In return,I didn't pressure her into killing her son. I didn't want to end up miserable like her, or Goosefeather, or Jayfeather. I didn't want to tangle in stupid prophecies or clan drama, that seemed to follow ThunderClan or just medicine cats in general.

The day of the ceremony itself wasn't anything special. Yellowfang had already given me a short 'are you really sure you won't change your mind' speech, mandatory for all medicine cat recruiters, a few days prior. Caretaker also gave her own 'I'm very proud of you son' speech. I could tell she meant every word. I don't think anybody in the clan, not even Brindleface herself expected me to survive until apprentice hood. The past three months were still challenging to me, yes, but it did not compare to the absolute hell I suffered in the very beginning.

My siblings whined, of course. Oh dear lord how they whined. Despite us being littermates, I was twice their body size and mass, thanks to daddy Whitestorm genetics. Still weird, considering I absolutely hated eating dead forest critters. I guess not being a little jackass like my siblings (adopted or not), and making Brindleface life just a bit easier, made me a prime candidate to become an apprentice at six moons old.

My new mentor was no other than Darkstripe. Honestly, kind of expected that to happen. Dustpelt and Sandstorm were relatively new warriors, so that was a no-go, Frostfur just returned to her duties from being a queen (and was also my aunt), Runningwind was being milked dry for his hunting abilities, Tigerclaw was the deputy and didn't have extra time for background characters, and I knew for a fact that Bluestar wanted to make Cloudkit Firehearts apprentice in the future. That only left Darkstripe - the broody, selfish, sociopath and Willowpelt who was famous for… Uhh… Anyways, she didn't become my mentor. Whether that was good or bad, I was going to find out in the following days.

After we rubbed our noses as the Clan customs dictated, Darkstripe didn't waste any time and took me out of the camp, to show the borders of ThunderClan. I wasn't your typical ADHD apprentice, and did not stray far from the dark tom, choosing to concentrate on memorising my surroundings instead. We walked in relative silence, only stopping to talk at the borders of ShadowClan (that is the motorway), and RiverClan (the river) where I learned their unique scents.

The sun just started setting when we reached the border of Twolegplace. From the looks of it, it was some kind of suburb, and the place I desperately wanted to escape to. I opened my mouth to get a better scent, but I did not smell anything out of the ordinary. I was just about to follow Darkstripe, when the wind changed directions and my nose was assaulted with the scent of a stranger, making my fur rise in agitation. Darkstripe must have smelled it too, because he instantly crouched to the ground, ears flat, eyes and mouth wide - trying to locate the location of the intruder. I froze on the spot, not daring to move.

"Follow me. Quietly." Darkstripe instructed me silently. Not breaking his crouch, he started stalking towards the smell. Not wanting to be left behind, I mimicked his body as best as I could, and went after him. Darkstripe changed directions a few times, choosing to sneak in more shadowy areas. I was glad that this part of the forest wasn't dense, because I was sure I would have tripped on something by now.

We stopped at the very edge of the forest. Before us laid a small clearing, and beyond that - some houses, but that wasn't what caught my attention. There! A few meters away, near a fence of one of the houses with a green roof, was a cat. No, make two of them! I looked at Darkstripe, feeling unsure.

"What now?" ThunderClan border stopped at the treeline, so those strangers weren't technically in our territory. Still, the inner cat me felt on edge, having two complete strangers on my doorstep. Were they kittypelts? Did kittypelts even have an unique smell? I was too new at this to know any better.

"We wait and watch." Said Darkstripe and we fell into silence once again, our sharp eyes not leaving the strangers for a second. Darkstripe had us move our position two more times, before the strangers finally left. A minute or two later, I could see Darkstripe finally relaxing and standing up.

"I'm going to check the scent. Stay put." I grunted with agreement. Sure, I was curious about the identity of the cats, but I didn't want to argue with Darkstripe. The cat seemed petty enough, and could make my life more difficult if he wanted, so like a good apprentice I listened to him.

Distracted by my own thoughts, I barely had time to react, when I felt a presence right behind me. Panicked, I immediately swung around, claws unsheathing unconsciously and smacked the offender with all my strength. Fucking wildlife, coming to eat me. Not today, not ever bitches. Ignoring the small hiss, I leaped to the side, trying to make some distance. My fur bristled to the extreme, making me look twice as big. I needed to look intimidating. Only then my brain caught up with what I was seeing.

"Whoops." I meowed sheepishly and Tigerclaw gave me the most unimpressed look ever."Sorry. You startled me."

"What are you doing here?" Tigerclaw asked, straight to the point, completely ignoring the slight, bleeding gash on his shoulder, like it wasn't fucking there. Oh my god, the cat muscles are real.

I wanted to retort with a childish 'What are YOU doing here' but held my tongue in time. It was late, and I was seemingly all alone. Quite suspicious if you ask me.

"Darkstripe just finished showing me the borders, when we smelled strangers." I told him the truth."He went to investigate." I looked at the direction of my mentor.

"I see." He said, following my gaze. In the meantime, I tried flattening my fur. Yeah no luck on that front."You're reflexes are good, but you lack awareness. Be more careful in the future."

"I'll try." I meowed. A few seconds later, Darkstripe returned. If he was surprised at seeing the brown tabby, he did not show it.

"Tigerclaw." He greeted the deputy.

"So, what was it?" I asked, trying to end the conversation with Tigerclaw."We're they rogues?"

I did not miss the brief look Darkstripe shared with Tigerclaw, and the look he gave him in return. Yeeeeah, totally not suspicious at all. If I did not know any better, I would have completely missed it or ignored it.

"Just some kittypelts." Darkstripe said dismissively."Probably strayed too far from their twoleg nests."

"Oh." I said, playing the ignorant apprentice. Maybe it was for the best, that I pretend, that I don't smell the 'kittypelt' scent on Tigerclaw. Darkstripe didn't commentate on it, so I wouldn't either. It was very faint, and if I wasn't standing right next to the deputy, I wouldn't even noticed it.

So Tigerclaw was already meeting up with Brokentail's rogues. It's not surprising that Darkstripe covered the fact. I was a newly minted apprentice. An unknown. I briefly wondered if I could escape before the invasion started. Probably not.

"So what now?" I asked after a brief silence.

"We mark the border. Just like I showed you before." Said Darkstripe and started rubbing his body against nearby shrubbery. Not wanting to accidentally poke my eyes out, I chose to claw a tree or two instead. Tigerclaw just straight up sprayed the surrounding treeline with piss, leaving behind a strong, masculine scent and was done with it.

"Let's return to the camp. It's getting late." Said Tigerclaw and trudging after Darkstripe, I followed them back. The forest at night wasn't the safest place to linger about, with badgers, foxes and owls and other wild shit just lurking around. Besides, I was cold, I was tired and couldn't wait to go to sleep.

The apprentice den was a serious downgrade from the nursery. It wasn't really a den - more like a bunch of clumps of wilted, brown ferns that sprouted around a tree stump. Seriously, if I tried hard enough, I could enter/leave the "den" from any side I wanted, since the ferns weren't thick enough like say bramble or gorse bushes. Nevertheless, I entered the den from the biggest opening. Admittedly, on the inside it was a bit warmer, but not because it had any proper insulation, oh no, but because it was littered with the bodies other apprentices, who emitted body heat. I looked around, trying to decide where to sleep.

Several apprentices who weren't sleeping briefly lifted their heads to look at me, but soon returned to their conversations. Nobody piped up to welcome me, or join their nests, but at the same time, nobody jeered or insulted me. Probably because Swiftpaw, the main offender was sleeping. I was hoping he grew out of his assholness. I had half a mind to join Brightpaw, she was one of the kits at the nursery (alongside Whitekit), who generally left me alone, but she was sharing a nest with Thornpaw, and there wasn't enough room for a third cat. That only left Brackenpaw, but he slept at the very far end of the den, and I wanted to sleep nearer the entrance.

Taking a clump of moss and fern, I quickly made my own nest. At this point, I would have sold both of my kidneys for a heated blanket. Or just blanket in general. Burying myself under moss always gathered weird looks and pissed Brindleface off, so I trained myself not to do that, just like the whole walking on two legs thing. Ugh, this is uncomfortable.

I closed my eyes, but the sleep never came. So instead, I planned.


	11. Of life

**Chapter 10**

If I had actual thumbs and could write things down, my ultimate survival plan would look something like this:

1\. Learn to do basic cat shit. (Hunting, fighting, overall wilderness survival, etc.)

2\. Scout out the Twolegplace for help. (Do this discreetly.)

3\. Escape from ThunderClan before/immediately after Tigerclaw gets exiled. (If that doesn't happen, escape at summertime/before the whole forest fire. If that doesn't happen, leave after my warriors ceremony.)

4\. At some point figure out what the fuck has happened to me. Turn back to a human. Get my memories back. Get therapy.

5\. Don't die in the meantime.

OPTIONAL: Take Snowkit with me. He's way too cute to die.

Yeah, that's the best I could come up with. I could see myself doing okay for the first three steps. Sure, now that I was an apprentice I could leave the camp without anybody batting an eye, run away from this miserable place, never to come back. Maybe I'd be lucky and the very first person I approached at the Twolegplace would take me in and help me. But what if something went wrong? What if they freaked out on me, or tried to hurt me and I had to escape to the wilderness again? It wouldn't end well for me. I was too weak to survive on my own, and I still relied on the clan for food, shelter and security. I needed to become stronger, more independent to make it on my own, potential help from my former species or not. The last time I escaped, I was acting blindly, not thinking things through, and look what happened. I died. To ensure my survival, I needed to stop moping around and utilize my time in ThunderClan to the best of my ability.

I tried, okay? I really did. The days following my apprenticeship ceremony were spent learning what it meant to be an apprentice in Thunderclan. As the youngest one, I was given the shittiest tasks by the other apprentices, like changing the dirty moss in the nursery and elders dens. Thank god my siblings were old enough not to poop in their nests anymore, but having to constantly change the smelly-damp moss was gross, since I had to use my mouth for basically everything. Having to regularly apply bile on the elders in order to de-flea them was also gross, but that task, thankfully, came with a small blessing. The bile given by Yellowfang left such a foul taste in my nose/mouth, I had stopped gagging every time I ate the disgusting forest critters. You know, because I couldn't taste anything after that.

Darkstripe also began tutoring me how to hunt and fight, and what a disaster that was. Well, the hunting part that is, but more on that later on. I honestly felt a little bad for him. Okay, not really, but from the whole cast of my clanmates I had to put up with on a daily basis, he was one of the tolerable ones, alongside with Snowkit. Mainly because he was constantly broodish, and did not try small talking or gossiping with me. Our interactions outside lesson time remained blessedly non- existent. I got the distinct feeling that Darkstripe did not know what to think of me, just like the rest of the clan.

On one hand - I was the Thunderclan's weirdo, there's no sugar coating that. I was THAT Brindleface's kit, the one who was supposed to die in its infancy. I was THAT kit who barely spoke with anyone, THAT kit who acted strange, THAT kit who looked like a rat's nest, THAT kit…

I could go on and on. To put it simply - the Clan cats were fucking magical beings, with higher than average intelligence that an animal should rightfully have, so they sensed that there was _something_ wrong about me. There was weird and there was weird. And just because I avoided social interactions with my clanmates like a plague, did not mean I was deaf to their gossip, or their wary looks, when they thought I could not see them.

'You should have died at infancy.' I could hear their unspoken words.

'You're not quite normal, are you?' The unblinking eyes of Yellowfang plagued my mind everyday.

'Freak!' Actual words from Swiftpaw. I was burning with barely contained rage.

I mean, all of my 'weirdness' and 'wrongness' came from the fact that I was actually a human pretending to be a cat, and not because I was some sort of sociopath or a serial killer. Do cats even have a concept of serial killers? Sure, I could have tried to blend in better, act like a Clan cat, but I saw no point in doing that. My time in ThunderClan was temporary anyways. I mean seriously, these cats slept at least 16 hours a day, only being active in the early mornings and evenings, like all ambush predators. The rest of the day? Fucking nap time, either inside or outside the camp. The noons were generally reserved for gossiping time (and literal ass licking time, oh god the no-shame ass licking time). To put it bluntly - it was super BORING being a cat. I mean, yes, the clan cats were fictional magical cats, with drama and shit, but cats at the end of the day. It was only because of the constant, meddling intervention from Starclan the cats managed to last this long.

At the end of the day, ThunderClan decided not to kick me out for being a weirdo, so all was well, right? Right? So I became THAT weird kit. THAT kit who did not see the point in idling through most of the day. The germans would be proud of my work ethics. My first independent act as an apprentice was to try and build a shelter. Sleeping under literal ferns? Fuck that noise. I was cold, okay? I was no engineer, and working with my mouth as a substitute for hands was fucking hard, but the new and improved apprentice den was such a success, I think I accidentally uplifted the Clan cats by a few levels. You know those triangle looking shelters people build on TV from sticks? I did something like that.

At first I ran at a few problems. First of all - getting the needed sticks. And by sticks I mean branches. Thank the heavens I lived in a forest, so it naturally had plenty of those. The problem? Dragging said branches inside the camp. Not an easy job when you weigh so little.

"What are you doing?" Asked Cloudkit after I dragged my ninth branch inside the camp. It was midday - when most of the clan was inside the camp, gossiping (the cat term sharing tongues) as usual. I spotted some puzzled looks coming in this direction, but so far nobody made any comments.

"Mghhhmmmm" I said, which roughly translated to 'none of your business, leave me alone', but the stick in my mouth muffled my words, I think, because Cloudkit's next words were the exact opposite of what I wanted.

"Here! Let me help you!" He meowed excitedly and grabbed part of the branch with his tiny mouth. Not wanting to let go, I carefully navigated us to the rest of the stick pile and spat the branch out. No splinters in my mouth, good.

"So...?" Cloudkit asked, looking at me expectantly.

"I'm going to get about _thirty_ more." I mumbled, frowning at the sad looking pile. Nine sticks were not enough. Briefly I wondered if Cloudkit even knew how to count, but hey, 'more' meant 'more'. I turned around and started walking away.

"Wait! You're going outside, right? Can I go with you?" Cloudkit was right besides me in an instant. Ugh, he wasn't going to leave me be, was he?

"Why?" I asked suspiciously. I haven't interacted with Cloudkit much, but considering he was a troublemaker in the books (and real life), I was just a wee anxious.

"I'm bored and everybody at the nursery is sleeping. So can I? Pleaaase?" He asked hopefully, his tail shooting up in the air excitedly.

For a moment I contemplated the idea. On one hand, I would get the needed help and get my dream shelter built faster. On the other hand, with our lucks combined, things would happen the moment we left the safety of the camp. Of course, as the older one I would be blamed for everything, and I could not have that. I mean, seriously, I was not being paranoid, good or bad, something WOULD happen, 100%. This was warrior cats afterall. Cloudkit was the direct kin of the plots main protagonist, and I was the obvious self insert. This whole encounter started to seem like a start of a chapter, where some unfortunate shit happens later on, and I wanted none of it.

"No." I told him bluntly.

Cloudkit's tail dropped down with disappointment. I could swear I could hear a balloon deflating at the same time. For a moment my heart clenched. God dammit, why did he have to look like Snowkit? Damn these white cats with blue eyes, my only weak spot. Thinking of it, leaving Cloudkit unoccupied and with no supervision seemed like a terrible idea.

"I guess if you're bored, you can try and look for sticks around the camp." I said. A clearing like this was bound to have some fallen branches I could potentially use. Somewhere at the edges, perhaps?

"Okay." Cloudkit meowed, clearly not happy, but mollified enough to stop whining." What do you need them for anyways?"

"You'll see." I said just a tad annoyed that he still hasn't stopped following me. Or talking to me. He just kept looking at me with those big round eyes, waiting for an answer."I'm building a new apprentice den, because the current one is _shitty_."I explained simply and picked up some speed, so Cloudkit couldn't keep up with me so easily.

"It's full of dirt? Eewwwwwww!"Cloudkit squeaked in disgust and I sighed internally.

Cat language was not the same as human language, some words, or phrases had completely different meanings, when translated from one to another. As much as I wanted to call the cats stupid _fuckers_ or _dipshits_ everyday, I couldn't because it would have sounded like gibberish or nonsense at best, making me look even weirder than usual. Even words like shit, translated to words like dung or dirt in cat language, and just did not have that kind of insulting ring to it like in english. And when I tried to use metaphors, well…

"Just shut up and either help me, or go away."

"I'm going, I'm going!" Cloudkit meowed and quickly dashed away from me. Whether to look for sticks or not I did not care, as long as I did not have to listen to his annoying chatter anymore.

So like I said, finding the needed sticks/branches wasn't the problem. The problem occured when I had to drag/carry those bitches inside like some kind of dog, not an easy feat let me tell you. Gosh, being reborn as a dog would be so much easier. Unless I was reborn as one of those little rat dogs, like chihuahua or some shit. That would be even worse than my current body.

Hmm now that I was on the topic on dogs… Weren't there a series set in the warrior cats universe, where the protagonists were dogs? Survivors I think, I haven't actually remember reading the series (like so many other things). Did the dogs also have superpowers, or the cat equivalent of Starclan? What was the main plot about? I knew that theoretically I could try and communicate with them, and other wildlife in general. Maybe I should try talking with a bird or a mouse when nobody's watching? That could be interesting.

Ugh, getting distracted over here. So the shelter. My shelter. The best shelter. The second major problem that I encountered was my own family.

"Hey, ###, Cloudkit said you're building a new apprentice den. Can I join?" Asked Fernkit as I spat out my latest branch. Seriously? Wasn't she supposed to be asleep? I mean, it took me a while to get the branches, but I was out for ten minutes, tops. I briefly looked around. There! Just a few feet away sat Brindleface, with a bored looking Ashkit by her side, watching me talk with Fernkit. Cloudkit was nowhere to be seen, but the stick pile had two additional branches.

"This is not a game." I said, turning around from her. Why is everybody so keen in distracting me?!

"BRINDLEFACE!" Fernkit screeched immediately."### doesn't want to play with me!" And here I thought that she wanted to help me, because she wanted to be seen as mature and responsible. Not.

Brindleface gave me her trademark 'I am not amused' look she kept using on my littermates.

"This is… I'm not…"She kept staring at me, making me feel uncomfortable. God dammit, I was not a kit anymore! I was an adult! I haven't talked or seen her in days! Wait. Um. Maybe that's why she is giving me such a sour look."Sure, whatever."I grumbled, caving in for the second time today. At this rate the shelter would never be made. I had other duties to attend to in the near future, dammit!"Go find Cloudkit."

"Yes! I'll be an apprentice in no time!" She shrieked, with that high-pitched mew that only kittens could produce, and I winced from the volume. So here I was, forced to interact with two thirds of my siblings, who treated this whole experience as some sort of silly game. The horror!

Those two thirds of siblings soon became all three of them, when Ashkit decided he would rather spend his time with his weirdo brother, rather than sit and listen to the boring adults. Together (well, more like me) we brought enough branches to lit a reasonable bonfire. Sadly, burning down the forest and all of its inhabitants remained just a distant, unreachable dream in my head. The part that came next was by far the most difficult.

I'm going to repeat myself. I was no engineer and neither were my siblings, who kept interrupting my work. The idea of the triangle-shelter-thingy from the tv shows, were just that - half remembered memories. I had no hands. I could not pick up branches and put them together the way I wanted them. Said branches also had smaller branches jutting out of them, branches I had to manually chew off like a bevier. Did my siblings helped? No.

Even the supposed adults were blind to my clear architectural genius. Frostfur, who was hanging around nearby, oh so helpfully 'advised' not to build anything near the current apprentice 'den', so we wouldn't accidentally trample it.

So in the end, I had to lay the sticks parallel to the ground at some random tree stump near the edge of Thunderclan camp, far away from my original spot. Since the tree stump wasn't actually that wide, it took me only eight sticks to finish it. No, make that seven, because the left outermost kept slipping off. It was a small shelter, with gaping holes in the roof (the sticks were not planks after all). The new shelter had two obvious entrances, and let me tell you, the second one wasn't the OSHA regulated fire exit. I digged some holes in the ground to make the sticks hold better, but… Okay, frankly put the shelter was a fucking disaster.

While my siblings were clearly overjoyed, having built their own 'apprentice den' all on their own (hey, I did most of the work!) I couldn't help but feel disappointed in myself. Ugh, tv shows made everything look easy. But I would not give up so easily. I was cold! Sure, the whole shelter was going to burn down in the summer, but I did not want to wait that long. I was going to built my dream shelter no matter what.

"This was fun. Let's do this again later! Said Cloudkit when Brindleface called the kits for feeding time.

"That's the plan." I tilted my head, trying to analyze the shelter. Yep, looks like crap. A strong gust of wind would blow all the sticks away. I would need to put some moss on the 'roof' of the shelter, but I would need to secure the sticks before that. Maybe with reeds? Yeah, stealing from Riverclan seemed like a good idea.

"You know, you're actually not so bad." I only listened to his blabber with one ear."Hey! You're like Yellowfang! Both grey and ugly…"

"Cloudkit, scram!" I heard that! I would have slapped him, but Brindleface would had my hide sooner than I could say 'he started it'.

"...and constantly acting mean, but are actually sweet on the inside." How the fuck did he came up with that conclusion? Just because I did not call him a kittypelt or Cloudchick like some of our clanmates? Wait, did he just called me and Yellowfang tsunderes?

"…" Was my intelligent retort.

"See you tomorrow!" Meowed Cloudkit and excitedly trotted away. Hey! I haven't promised anything! But the kit was long gone. Did Brindleface set him up to make me feel guilty I haven't visited them? That was probably it.

I cast another glance at my super-shitty-shelter, when all too familiar voice rang next to me.

"###." Greeted Darkstripe, looking none too happy.

"Yes?" I asked puzzled. Darkstripe only talked to me in the early mornings or evenings, when he taught me lessons or we went patrolling with the rest of the clan.

"Why are there rumors that somebody… Made dirt on the apprentice den?" He asked disgusted, but I could hear a hint of curiosity in his voice. Oh my. Darkstripe, I did not know you had it in you. I thought better of you. What can I said, word travels fast in Thunderclan. Also. Goddamit Cloudkit, it was just a fucking metaphor.

"Swiftpaw did it." I said with no hesitation.

 **2019.11.24 Fixed some errors. Kept writing Snowkit as Whitekit.**


End file.
